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Post #14415 by maz177 on August 1st 2008, 6:19 AM (in topic “Help - My ex keeps brain washing my child on contact visit and refuses to send him back”)

Help - My ex keeps brain washing my child on contact visit and refuses to send him back: keeping sane

Hi Scorpio 11, try to stay calm in all of this.  Your ex is simply using your son as a victory against you.  Your son is confused and angry and of course needs someone to blame for all of this.  He cant help feeling like this, he is still growing up.  Dont involve him in the battle between you.  If you go to the courts, their aim is for a reconcilliation not a decision as to who has control.  You can sort this out yourself.  Just love your son and show him patience.  Try and sit down with him, perhaps in a neutral place and ask him how he actually feels!  He must find it difficult to go back and forwards and keep loyal to both of you.  What a dilemma he is in.
If he truly wants to live with his dad, it would be better for you to let him go or enable him to stay longer.  I am sure you will find it is not what either of them really want. Just tell him you love him and want him to be happy.  That if he choses his dad you will understand and know it is not because he doesnt like you, it is because he misses his dad.  Living with you, means he cant have his dad, so that is natural.  If dad had residency, you would find the opposite thing happen!  Your ex may be trying to turn him against you, but that can only happen if you allow it to in your own mind.  Dont put your son under additional pressure.  Try to listen to him and believe that whatever he decides he will be sensible enough to see through any falsity or lies and eventually make up his own mind.

My niece had a similar problem, like thousands of other kids in a separation.  They know they can get spoiled by their fathers and play them for all they can get.  The mums get upset, but they always come back!  What is happening is normal, it is not very nice, but it is all a common part of a separation or breakup.  But this doesnt mean you have to let him walk all over you.  You explain to him what your rules are while he is living with you and what is acceptable behaviour or not and be consistent, that way you all know where you stand and you have a structure to function by,
Best wishes.

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