I'm writing this for a friend and I hope it is posted in the correct forum.
Background is a marriage of 20 years broken down. Two children 10 & 14. Father was "kind of involved" but has a highly paid job involving a lot of international travel so the mother was clearly primary carer. The father moved out with his new male partner over 100kms away approx 8 months ago. Mother has stayed at the family home with the kids. The father has been visiting the home from time to time bringing his new male partner with him. Mother has stayed at her new partners home nearby on those nights but even then is often called back to sort food or calm kids as especially 10y/old wants Mum there to go to sleep with etc. Father on huge salary and still paying the mortgage.
Anyways the father has now messaged that he intends for him and his male partner to move back into the family home and even stated he will move into the mothers bedroom and that he will take 100% time with kids.
What is unclear to us is what the best steps for the mother to take in this situation. Whilst there has been no actual violence so far there are heated arguments and distain toward each other so living in the same home is really detrimental to all. There is even a suggestion of sexual promiscuity from the father and mother is worried about potential strangers coming to the home whilst the kids are there.
I understand without any orders in place the father has the legal right to reoccupy the home but are there any other avenues to evade this situation.
Mother is changing the locks to the home and has replied that she does not agree to him coming back to reside in the home.
Its a terrible situation so any advice or suggestions will be appreciated.
I am no expert however I have been through similar experience whereas my ex did do a runner.
I would suggest to you that its best not to provoke the situation by trying to enforce anything now.
I would however strongly suggest you keep a diary.
Each time your partner threatens you about moving away make a note about it and the reasons given.
Also keep a note in the same diary of your involvment with your children, what you have done with them and for them. Maybe you took them to Doctors or took them shopping for school shoes, changed a nappy, went for a bike ride. Whatever it is.
These notes could be invaluable should your partner do a runner.
The best thing of all though to avoid the conflict at all if possible and focus on your childrens needs.
2 years ago I was like a wounded animal laying on the ground, bleeding and moaning.
My children were taken away from me and I wasn't sure if I was going to be a part of their lives. I would look at there toys or their beds and I would openly cry like a baby. My marriage and my lover had also dissapeared. Financially I could not see how I was to survive.
Many nights in the beginning were dark. I had bad thoughts. I was drinking and not eating properly. Friends and family were great trying to offer goodwill but they just didn't really understand. I started posting on a couple of websites including this one FLWG.
To me this was a lifeline. I found people that had been through similar things. I found people that had defeated similar feelings. I found people who had been through much worse than I had. I found people who knew what they were talking about. They helped to keep me focussed on what was important and pulled me up when I was loosing the plot.
I hung in there. Everyday I got up and thought it is a new day and I'll do the best with what I have. I never lost sight of trying to do whats best for my kids and that included having both parents in their lives.
My ex hit me with everything she could muster.Me ex tried to take control of my children and not let me see them.My ex argued in court I was incapable of caring for my children properly. My ex bad-mouthed me to all around including my children. My ex tried to stop and appeal orders that were made in court.
I felt like responding with the same. I felt like kidnapping my children back. I felt showing anger toward her. I felt like abusing her and telling the children she was causing these arguments.
SOMEWHERE inside me I knew that was wrong. SOMEWHERE inside I found the strength to stop these feelings. SOMEWHERE inside me I knew that that would be the worst thing I could teach my kids.
So I treated my ex with some respect but I held firm to my resolve. I never bad-mouthed my ex to the children or even to the wider public. (Though I would vent to my closest freinds). I infact encouraged the relationship between my children and my ex and spoke positively of her to them. I would not respondwhen she tried to start arguments. I did not allow myself to get caught up in point scoring over the children.
I started keeping some notes and evidence of what was going on. I became involved as much as I could in things my children were doing like pre-school and medical issue's. I tried to be a good parent to my children. Somehow with all this I tried to focuss on the issue's that were important to my children rather than what was important to my ex. Meanwhile my ex was focussed on herself and financial gain.
Well it is now 2 years and $100,000.00 later. (money i did not have) It has been the struggle of my life emotionally andfinancially, however it seems now to be over for the most part. Two days ago we had our 5thand final hearing in the Family Law Courts. Over the five court cases the different attitudes emerged, That is:- that I was focussed on the children and the issue's that effect them and my ex was focussed on her own issue's and financial gain.
It was almost at the end of the final hearing when I looked at my ex in the witness box. I seen a wounded animal sitting there bleeding and moaning.
In the end I offered a lifeline to my ex and agreed to less than what the court was going to give me. I remembered how I had felt in the beginning. I remembered it was best for the children to have both parents.
I don't know what the future will bring for me but notwithstanding death or gaol, I know I will be an equal parent to my children. My rights as a parent have been restored. Even mydignity isrestored from showing mercy to someone who brought so much pain to me. And most importantly for my children she has a chance to be an equal parent as well.
NEVERdoubt what you can acheive. Never give in. Never stoop to retaliation. Never stop thinking about what is really important for your kids.
Do this and good will come to you. If possible try to avoid having to go through this process but if you do have to, take it day by day, keep chipping away, keep focussed and listen to people who have been through it.