Starting to Understand Emotions - Topic 1:
Sage here! Been away! I would just like to ask a few more questions before I give an answer this evening. You state you separated about 16 years ago and you have two 16 year olds and one 13 year old. Could you let me know what has the contact been over these 16 years; how often; how has contact happened; what has the realtionship been like with the boys over this time? I need to know a little more history for me to be able to consider what approach may be of value. You could also buy the book Everyone Can Win by Cornelius and Faire; it is the basics for conflict resolution skills and is a beginning point. Will answer you in more detail when I know a little more of your history. Sage
Desperate Dad saidD4E your comments leave me staggered yet at the core it seems very real & rational, I am grateful for the emotional & time saving insight!
I take on board all you have said & regret I get caught up in my righteousness & lose sight of the bigger picture in the game of life.
It seems there are 2 matters to resolve
1 getting the Parent/s to resolve their conflict.
2 Undoing the emotional damage to the kids caused by the Parent/s
Sage/D4E at this point i feel i have lost favor with my boys especially the younger one, their mum has asked me to stop calling them because it leaves them upset & if i call them on the mobile I usually get no answer & then an excuse, do you have any suggestions as to how i may regain contact with them without getting caught up in the emotional phase of it all, how do i deal with the rejection the hurt & the resentment, these emotions are confusing my clarity & judgment, all that keeps going round in my head is what the boys have told me & what i use to support my case of injustice, how does one keep mental order?……………
I only make the following point out of curiosity, can you enlighten me with an experiential view!
It appears the systems approach is similar to the medical world where they seem to treat the symptom rather than the cause which leaves the problem festering away under the comfort of a system applied band aid, (IE "We act in favor of what's best for the KIDS") while the parents are left resenting each other & the Kids continue to be used as leverage.
Are my views unrealistic, idealistic or naive, or is the system saying been there tried that & the band aid is the quickest fix for the sake of looking like their doing something!
Sage mentioned that we as a society don't have life lessons in Value's & emotions or the resolution skills to deal with conflict.
If there are conflict resolution skills we can apply then we know we can possibly stop the conflict, however if you have an unwilling party it is at this point there needs to be a person with exceptional skill to help gain the trust of the saboteur, (it is here the law/system seems to fail society in providing a much needed service at the cause of the problem not the symptom) in my case she clearly sees me as a threat, I can't even ask why as she won't/can't answer & now has the higher emotional ground & the support of the LAW!
Is it naive or arrogant to presume that the kids in their heart of hearts would want their mum & dad to get along even if their apart, from your experience, what is the reality?
I feel my boys would love it even though it seems weird to conceive it! which is why I persist with seeking a resolution.
Far to often I hear fathers have left it in the too hard basket only to end up with an adult as a loyal friend instead of a loving child after many years of separation! I don't want my case to end up that way, my boy's deserve a loving father…..
D4E if all else fails is it possible to take the other parent to court purely on perjury or denigrating charges (or something like that) if so what would the likely out come be?
The purpose would be to expose her in court, If all else fails & if i am going to be with out the boy's in my life they should know i have done what i can to help them be with me & they can hear for them selves an unedited, unbiased view of the facts.
She is now telling them i never wanted anything to do with them! i find it hard to ignore!!!!!!!
ps D4E what is your back ground apart from moderator?