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Post #35505 by D4E on March 28th 2011, 11:52 AM (in topic “What is reasonable time for a baby & father?”)

What is reasonable time for a baby & father?:

I'm sorry but personally I find the suggested recommendation that the CSa has produced integral to government policies seeking to reduce the time fathers get with their children that is being used as a platform to further educate the populous on a mass into accepting what the government wishes to achieve, they are a government department with alteria motives.

It has been suggested that this recommendation is better than some fathers already have and could be used as a suggested " spends time with model ". I would suggest that it encourages the other 90 % of untested cases to further accept that the primary carer has a basic right to prevent acceptable contact between the child and the primary carer.

It encourages the primary carer who is usually the mother to prevent a " spend time with " regime that is the most beneficial to the child.

Many child physiologists recommend that the primary carer spends many short visits with the child so that a strong bond can be established and this in essence decreases any separation anxiety the child may suffer as well as increases their acceptance of both parents individual personalities making overnight visits easier at an earlier age.

Considering the amount of separations that occur where children are involved the amount that actually make it to court is only a small percentage and this type of negative recommendation will help to reduce the burden on the court by making this recommendation socially acceptable, the attitude will be " Well this is the best I will be able to do if I go to court so I will accept less ".

The dragon once again chases it's tale, the courts will adopt the principal that dads expectation's of seeing their children is lessened by acceptance and further initiate governmental policies of reducing children's time with fathers.

If the Family Courts were really interested in what is best for our children they would initiate social research in Australian society instead of using that of other countries and reject government policies that reduce the time a child spends with one parents.

The Family Court is in essence an enabler for the problem that exists where it should be a deterrent of abuse.

I believe that the discussion shouldn't be about if the information provided by CSA is advantageous to a minimal amount of situations but more to the point, what effect these recommendations have on the major amount of situations. My opinion is that this type of recommendation coming from this institute give power to one parent and further reduces the equality that should exists between both parents.

Child Support Agency, should be Child Segregation Assistants.

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Post #34948 by D4E on February 20th 2011, 4:57 PM (in topic “What do I do? what if what if?”)

What do I do? what if what if?:

Anybody can justify their actions with excuses suggesting that in their opinion this is what is best for the child.

It all becomes very grey due to the fact a child does flourish through consist good habitual environments but can also adapt to less.

Some of the things we do will be at our expense for the sake of the child but should never be self centred at the expense of the other parent, it isn't an ideal world and it's normal to go through many negative situational responses before things settle into a routine, sometimes it's just an adjustment period other times it's because parents get selfish.

Taking console from your X mother in law isn't really the best advise to follow, no matter how good or neutral she is her instinct is to protect her child's interests as well as her own, she says daughter is wrong it gets back to daughter she looses ten fold.

If you rock the cart with no orders in place you stand to loose so at times there is a need to stand back and pick your moments until everything is in place and you have orders to back you up.

As DS80 says, if you want change and consistency then you need to start the process and hope by the end of mediation you have consent orders in place.

All best D4E

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Post #34904 by D4E on February 17th 2011, 3:43 PM (in topic “what could happen?”)

what could happen?:


If the car is in his name and he refuses to pay the registration or give you the paperwork to pay the registration it really is his problem and his choice, you may be better off dropping the car at his door and leaving it unless you can convince him to allow you to pay the fee, lets face it driving an unregistered vehicle that is involved in an accident could see you in enormous debt.

By the sounds of things there is still a lot of financial issues to sort out and this is causing tension.

Obtaining ambulance cover may be advisable if you don't have it already, I understand that you were trying to make a point with him but in saying what you did you have only lowered yourself to initiating conflict, it could be viewed you were using the child as leverage even though this was not your intent.

As far as being kicked out of your home, unfortunately someone has to leave, many times it's the man who is forced to leave and pay the mortgage as well as be expected to pay child support etc etc. In many ways he has protected his assets until financial settlement. Perhaps he was advised that this would be the best thing to do. By the sounds you will receive your share of the assets which is positive, but it sound as if the vehicle was not sorted out which is unusual.

CSA will and are taking care of the payments he owes but I'm curious about when you made your application for CSA payments.

As Plus1 has stated 50/50 isn't automatic but there is always a possibility it can be achieved, if not 50/50 a close approximation may be suitable and workable in the judges eyes but it all depends on the individual case.

You must remember even though you feel he took everything from you financial settlement gives you just as much back, many people end up bitter because of what they have lost financially but it's much better to let it go and move forward as a lesson learnt.

Many people are nasty through the process, they do and say horrible things but at the end of the day we all have to form some sort of relationship that works with our children's other parent, perhaps not forgive but put it all aside, this comes in tame.

It's important to separate financial issues aside from what is best for and important to our kids, they are like water and oil and if you try to stir them up and join them together as to relate one intermingled with another it will effect the kids.

If your financial settlement is sorted look to what is best for your child that can be negotiated and try and avoid court if you can, it is much less stressful and you may find a beneficial happy medium..
Best of luck D4E

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Post #34901 by D4E on February 17th 2011, 3:09 PM (in topic “What do I do? what if what if?”)

What do I do? what if what if?:

When there are no court orders in place there is little you can do to insist that a parenting plan is followed.

I went through the same thing and I know it's frustrating to try and keep consistency when the other parent wants to chop and change to their own selfish needs and doesn't consider how this effects the child.

I went down the path of negotiating to the point of reducing my spends time with the child to try and better obtain consistency, I have to say that at the time this was happening there was considerable distance between myself and my daughter so when plans did get changed there was little that could be done, travel 300k's to be told tough wasn't an option.

Eventually things did settle to the point we agreed upon another parenting plan.

This changed again when she moved into my home town and for a few years 50/50 care suited the mother and consistency for my daughter was brilliant, this was eventually agreed with orders by consent until she moved back to where she came from and I now have the standard every second weekend and half holidays which has not worked well in certain aspects of my daughters life but she has adapted well.

The whole point is that this whole process is fluid and you never know how things will turn out but you do adapt eventually and things do get easier.

If you wish to try and achieve consistency for your child you may need to go down the path of mediation to format orders by consent, you could try gently explaining to your child's mother the need and benefits for consistency for all parties but if communication has broken down then mediation may be in order.

If mediation doesn't work the it's off to court where you simply roll the dice, depending on your case and the judge you may end up with orders the same as your parenting plan or less.

The main decision to make is if and when you will stand your ground, some choose simply to accept what the mothers demands are and work with that others choose mediation and if need court.

All best D4E

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Post #34796 by D4E on February 14th 2011, 2:55 PM (in topic “Spare bedroom for child's overnight stays”)

Spare bedroom for child's overnight stays:

There are also several positives to home ownership and you could buy a sofa bed.

" Yes your honor I believe it is more beneficial that such a young child stay in my room to best assist them during the night, but I have a sofa bed so as to accommodate the child in the main bedroom when the get older, I believe this a suitable solution for the following reasons …………….. ".

Think hard about what decision you make and where the benefits will be you may be in an opportunity later to obtain another mortgage to improve accommodation, you may only have every second weekend spends time with and many other things may happen.

You also may have an opportunity in court to explain that you are willing to move if the question comes up.

Take your time and think it's not unusual for a young infant to remain in their parents bedroom for quite some time.

Best of luck with your choice. regards D4E

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Post #34762 by D4E on February 11th 2011, 1:53 PM (in topic “consent orders”)

consent orders:

Unfortunately you forgot to paste one very important comment off my post bryds.

D4E said
The parents who do realise they are both important and it's not a competition provide something wonderful for their children.
The fact that you have had very little experience with your child's father does effect the way decisions are made by both parties.
Not being judgemental but also because the birth of your child has come from a one night stand there are many more dynamics to consider.
As I said not judging but simple realities exist that both parties need to work through and this will take time,m consideration and patience which you seem to have.

Yes Rabbit perhaps my statement is a little reflective to wards those few mothers who don't have the bond with their infants in the way you describe and generalised to include older children, I guess it is something that a mother has to work through that causes pain, stress and sacrifice to ensure a father can bond with their child.

One thing to remember brydz is that even if you have court orders given down by a judge the child's father does not have to abide by them and utilize the time he has been allotted with his child, you can enforce the orders to ensure he does not see your child outside the designated orders but can't force him to use that time to his and the child's advantage.

If he doesn't want to see his son he doesn't have too.

By the sounds of things you are trying hard to encourage the relationship and opting to give time whenever the father wants to see his son and in my opinion reading through things I think you may need to continue this for a while until the father has bonded with your child.
Then look at making a formal spends time with arrangement, I do understand that about the need for consistency and an arrangement that utilises defined boundaries but it sounds like dad needs some more time to bond and commit.

And yes this is an assumption reading between the lines but only you know exactly what is happening in your life.

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Post #34739 by D4E on February 10th 2011, 2:44 PM (in topic “What is reasonable time for a baby & father?”)

What is reasonable time for a baby & father?:

Hi ds80,

There are many others on here who are better at giving legal advice as to how the process works and the best way to achieve legal perfection and they will help with input, mine is based on experience through assistance from those people and moral support perhaps to the emotional turmoil and focus on positive attitude towards resolution, not saying I'm good at it but just live in hope it may help.

In reference to what you highlighted

Orders are basically what both parties deem a middle ground of what both parties accept suits them with hopefully the best interests of the child at heart. Both parties may not entirely agree with them but accept them as reasonable, they can be made by consent in or prior to mediation. If there is no agreement a Judge or magistrate will look at both parties suggested orders and make a decision based on them that they feel has the best interests of the child as it's focus.

It's important that we don't get caught in the mind set that there is only one option and accept there may be a need to negotiate to find an acceptable middle ground, understanding this it is sometimes a good idea to prepare a set of orders that contain what we want then work down to what is our minimal accepted level of spends time with.

This can be helpful during negotiations, you may find that it saves a trip to court where decisions are taken out of your hands, court involves a lot of hard work and outcomes are never guaranteed, decisions are made very much individually depending on the judge or magistrates interpretation of evidence and situation concerning all parties. So if you can come to a happy medium it usually works out better.

If it does make it to court there is a process that is followed that you can read about on your states family court web site, this may involve an initial meeting in court to decide when or if it will go to trial, at this point interim orders may be issued, if you can provide information to the judge or magistrate to help them decide what interim orders may be a positive spends time with scenario you may find more time spent with your child could be granted. It's important to realise this is not a way of getting the time you want at the end of the case but more to the point just to try and establish some time until it's sorted, usually interim orders are basic spends time with and if you can show you have all the necessary requirements for say 2hrs every second day and why this will be beneficial to your child in a logical way the matriarch may well see the benefits.

Drafting orders does not always mean that you will get what you want but helps you determine what is acceptable and there may be a possibility that if your orders are reasonable and you do get the opportunity to present them and the other party agrees that they will be accepted, bonus is they are all sorted and no more time waisted and of course may contain a closer proximity for what your seeking.
I had an opportunity to present alternate parenting orders and unfortunately the judge did not deem them as suitable he did accept them to be viewed.

The other productive side of this is you may be able to use them in mediation to obtain orders by consent suggesting that the basic parenting plan you've designed has a time period attached to it, after this time period things increase gradually etc etc.

Yes it's usually an expensive time waisting process that simply needs to be followed which is draining.

You could have used the prior certificate to start the court process but you can also argue you are trying to negotiate and that you have always seen your daughter who is of a very young age and you feel the mother has needed more time and less pressure to reduce any adverse effects the extra pressure may cause.

You have the evidence provided by the original certificate that you have been trying to negotiate and this time round furthers the point you are still trying to negotiate, I believe you will need to use the second certificate if no resolutions are made.

There are always delays in the process and this may be another one but, there is no guaranteed outcome but you need to view it as a step forward and a positive one at that, this is further evidence of your wiliness to try for resolution.

You do have the option of making an application to court and in some ways this will speed up the process simply because you have started the ball rolling. No one but you can determine if this is the best path to follow, you know what has been going on.

Many mothers are not approachable and negotiate through legal aid solicitors, I have heard that some women are advised to do just that so don't get too hung up on it simply accept this and stay focused.

When considering time with an infant I'd suggest you do some research, much of what I have read points towards more frequent but less time, translated every couple of days for a couple of hours or everyday for an hour, this is just to establish bonds between the parent and child and this gradually builds up over time until the child is more receptive to play. None of what I have read points towards block time overnight or weekends, saying this it's important that when setting goals you take this into consideration.

As the child becomes older they need to also set a routine and be comfortable in both homes, more time spent with you and overnight stays, keeping the same routines at both homes and even allowing mum in the environment can have it's benefits. At the end of the day this is all set around helping your child be balanced and comfortable in both environments.

Arranging visits after work every second or third night for an hour would be beneficial but no doubt inconvenient for mum and perhaps yourself but research seems to point towards this being best in early months.

Being breast fed also throws up it's own set of problems that can be dealt with but it will be hard work.

I hope this helps a little this stuff is never easy and subjected to personal beliefs pertaining to mothers and fathers.

All best D4E

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Post #34733 by D4E on February 10th 2011, 1:02 PM (in topic “consent orders”)

consent orders:

I was the main carer for my daughter from when she was on the bottle ( 2 mnths ), did all night feeds, changes and most day work too.
She came with me everywhere from that age, picking kids up from school, swimming pool, shopping you name it.

All the way up to separation I was the main parent for her and my step-kids.

That changed the day we separated.

It's unfortunate but it happens, I think it's a defence mechanism because some mums don't realise they will still be loved and needed by their children, scared they may love and need dad more.

The parents who do realise they are both important and it's not a competition provide something wonderful for their children.

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Post #34731 by D4E on February 10th 2011, 12:47 PM (in topic “Grandparents wanting access orders”)

Grandparents wanting access orders:

I think you need to relax a little and not be too concerned.

Most of what will happen even in mediation is to try and work towards a solloution to the problem that is based on what is best for the child considering her age and wishes.

No offense to anyone but the courts will not conclude that a regime of time spent with grandparents thatthe grandaughter does not want is in her best interests, the problem being at twelve her social life revolves heavily around her friends and there is always the fear that she will do a runner if this is forced on her.

It sounds like they are being gee'd up by influencinf factors around them telling them they have rights, well sorry but as a dad I don't seem to have that many so grands are even further behind.

Best solloution in my opinion is to get things out in the open, explain things from the childs perspective and let them know she is old enough to stand before a judge and be listened to, work with them in a possitive way explaining you need time to encourage the visits and that if they push her too hard she will rebel as all teenagers do.

They may not like it and need to blame you but at the end of the day there is nothing either party can do to force a young lady with out reprocutions.

Consideration too the grandparents is important, no doubt they feel their grandchild slipping away, they may have much more control and influence in the lives of their other grandchildren and of course their own children so they can bully them into what they want and this lack of control may well influence what they believe is their rights but it simply doesn't exist.

I would love if it did because my own daughter could do with spending more time with her nan but not even the court supported this and to tell the truth forcing it would make that time conflicting for them due to other factors.

Forget about family politics within the inlaws and stick to what you believe is best for your child whilst negotiating time, just as you have always done, if they don't like it thats unfortunate but they will have to accept it.

Best of luck keep doing the right thing by encouraging the relationship, well done.

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Post #34722 by D4E on February 9th 2011, 5:01 PM (in topic “consent orders”)

consent orders:

When trying to encourage my daughters mother it was a good idea to have a parenting plan designed by the both of us I highlighted the need for routine and consistency for our daughter and ourselves.

Basically rather than push what i wanted i spoke of how practical and positive it was for everyone to know where they were at.

My daughters mother did not want anything written down and preferred controlling time so it was an uphill battle just to have something on paper.

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