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Post #30513 by AlexIsWorried on June 28th 2010, 4:15 AM (in topic “Is resident parent status automatic?”)

Is resident parent status automatic?

I have been reading a lot about the different rights and responsibilities of being the resident parent. I also notice that in a lot of web resources the resident parent is indicated as the mother, the non-resident parent is indicated as the father. The only mention of resident and non-resident parent status that was made in FDR was at the 'meet the mediator' 1 on 1 session before our two free negotiating sessions, where the mediator said that the mother is usually the resident parent, unless an agreement is made giving more than 50% care to the dad.

If there is no formal agreement for more than 50% care, but a care diary indicates that I have more care of our son, am I able to be named resident parent? Will the fact I am primary caregiver through centrelink help? How do I go about being named resident parent?

I would like this to happen as soon as possible, as when my ex moves in with her new partner in a few weeks, I can see her using him for periods she can not care for our son rather than me; which would reduce the percentage of extra care that I have.

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Post #30478 by AlexIsWorried on June 26th 2010, 7:52 PM (in topic “Questions from a concerned father.”)

Questions from a concerned father.

Hello, I am writing this to try and get some advice on my current situation.

I am the primary caregiver for my 2 1/2 year old son, with around 55 - 59% care time. We have agreed informally to 50/50, however my ex's work and leisure commitments mean that she does not care for him on all of her scheduled days (before anyone interjects with 'change the schedule' it is currently based around her bar work schedule, and I mostly offer her days to make up the status quo).

My ex has just informed me that in 3 weeks she is going to be moving in with her new partner, who I have reasonably justifiable concerns about having my son live with. My family is telling me I should get a lawyer, as they (and I for the moment) do not feel totally comfortable about my sons welfare living there a few days a week. The only interactions with the new partner I've had were seeing him at work as a bouncer, being aggressive and violent. I also have heard many stories about this violence being excessive (from mutual friends).

However, I do realise that anecdotal evidence and personal opinions (he has full facial tattoos and demon skull pendants in his car) are not anything that would mean that he is unfit to live with. We have even negotiated that I get to know him better when my ex said she wanted to add him to the list of agreed carers (and was supposed to go on a meet and greet in a few weeks), and then we could discuss adding him to the care list.

I should expand on this point when we first separated my wife demanded that we come up with a list of people we could have watch our son when we were unable. After negotiation (including in our first FDR session) the list was some members of my family (her family is in the US, and she has a slightly tense relationship with them; oh and I had to negotiate hard to get my 2 sisters and brother on the list because they dont get along with her anymore), our sons godfather, and some of her friends (none of mine got through except our mutual friend who is the godfather (not in a Mafioso way)). This has not been a problem for me, as I have only twice got a secondary carer to watch him - and the amount of negotiating (and arguing when he wasn't around) means that I would prefer to stick to her list, as it is less trouble in the long run.

I should also add that when I unexpectedly had to find a place to live (originally the separation was temporary, so she could work out her feelings about being a parent and a spouse - we were only married a couple of years (funnily enough a couple of months more than for her to get PR… but I digress), and our son was a pleasant surprise) she also came up with a list of people I could live with if I wanted to continue to share custody of our son (well actually a list of people I couldn't live with, which meant that living by myself was the only option). She is now ignoring these agreements and doing what is most convenient for her.

Anyway, my understanding of the law from searching websites and forums such as this is that I just have to suck it up and accept that our son will be moving in with him as well, and as our agreements are not legally binding she is able to use him as a carer; that getting a lawyer will just introduce significant financial stress to the situation (my income for this year is likely to be around $24K, as I was primary caregiver even before the separation).

If this is correct, can anyone give me advice on asking if it is ok to see where my son will be staying to see that it is child friendly? Is it ok to ask that the house is made more toddler friendly? Is it ok for her to use other carers if I am available (I dont want it to be 50% me, 35% her, 15% him care arrangement if possible)?

I know a lot of this is just separation/divorce anxiety, but I want our son to continue to be in a nurturing, non violent environment, and for his exposure to unsuitable material and behaviour to be minimised.

Also, our second FDR session broke down (we had been quite successful in negotiating a parenting plan up until she asked to change things that she had suggested be on there in the first place - and I stopped backing down (I was upset)), but we seem to be negotiating our way back to a workable parenting plan very slowly. Should I continue with this - or is it worthwhile trying to get a court order in place before she decides to change any of our other 'agreements.' I am particularly worried that if her new relationship breaks down she may try to relocate to the US (and reading the mixed bag of courts deciding whether this was in the child's best interest have me worried… I have made my life all about my son, and am not interested in becoming a long distance father).

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