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Dealing with the ex wife

I am a stepmother of 2 kids aged 13 and 7. They are living with their mother and visiting us once a month and half a school holidays. The mother calls my husband all the time for more money. She calls him a bad father not being interested in his kids wellbeing as 1000 a month plus travel costs of 500 he pays are not enough for her. He loves his kids and is conserned about them and ttys to talk about things like diets and stuff with her. As she often gets them not healthy food we think and they are putting on weight a lot. She says if u would support me better I wouldn't have to work and have more time cooking for them. Also other things he trys to work out and gets comments back like this and if he isn't saying anything she gets angry him not being interested. Also she freaked out him marrying me as I am 11 years younger and from overeseas. Off course she went on about me taking his super and going overeseas or me getting extra money of him even after he told her that I do have very conftable parents. She was going on about him marrying a 21 year old backpacker and me living on him even he told her my parents paying for everything until I have a job which I have now. She would freak out and make our life he'll if she knows we are planning on a baby. She gets angry us going on a holiday my parents paying for and ask us what's about the kids u can't go away 3 weeks in school holiday but we can't take them either. The worst is though she goes on about money in front of the kids. Telling him daddy doesn't support us enough so I can't buy u this and this. Or we don't have money for that and this cause daddy doesn't give me more. Ask ur daddy he is rich. And his older son hates him now cause he belives her. Daddy is going on a big holiday but we can't effort this. She also makes it hard for him to get them on the plane for them to visit us. Sometimes she picks times so he has to pay double. If the kids tell her we got a new bed my grandfather paid for us as a wedding present. Or me having a lot of shoes I paid from my overtime pay she freaks out even though she bought a new tv and asked my husband to pay the school uniforms in the same month. What can I do? I hate her calling so often and being involved and ruining our nights. I hate what she tells the kids. Anyone else deals with those things?
Hey secondwife I dealt with spookily similar things in the early stages ,although in my case the problems she had with me were entirely imaginary, and varied wildy eg. one day I was "using him for his money" and the next he was "only marrying me for my money". It's just irrational jealousy so clearly it doesn't have to make sense!

The good news is IT GETS BETTER. It took about 18 months in our case but eventually she backed right off. Ask your husband not to tell her anything about you and to only talk about the kids. If she started yelling abuse at him or running on about me my husband just hung up on her and didn't answer calls from her for the rest of the night. Eventually she realised the only way to get her calls answered was to keep her beak out of our business. Like training a fairly dopey dog, really. Not much you can do about her denigration of you to the kids, but kids aren't stupid and they will eventually make up their own minds about you based on what they see and how you treat them. So resist the urge to tell them a few home truths, and be seen to be neutral about the crazy ex. Chin up!
Thanks for ur reply. He never talks to her about privat stuff which involves me it's just about the kids or money. She asks things like if I am pregnant and he said no and she said good cause she wouldn't want him to have more kids cause it's not good for her kids. But now she gets answers saying it's non of her buisness. But that's a good advice I will tell him to hang up on her saying bad things to him. The problem is really what she is telling the older son. Necessary things were they split costs she wants him to pay in full like glasses braces and things but she would get refund from their healthfund. He is not ok with it and they are fighting. So mum goes to the older son saying daddy doesn't give her any money so she can't effort it. How do we explain to him it's not the case! As he doesn't want to see us anymore. He thinks we are rich. I don't blame him. His mum drives a better car has a bigger house I don't care that she does but my husband was the one paying for this. And now she brings the kids up against him. He doesn't want to see us I heard yesterday. It's not fair to involve the kids this way. If daddy has a new baby it's not ur brother or sister and even less money he will give me to buy u things. And I did post under child support issues our issues we have already about childsupport. She plays unavalibele and if he books the flights for the children to visit she just has time to bring them to the airport when it is most expensive. Also she spends the money she gets on silly things. As we are quit ok with money at the moment as we don't have kids yet and both of us are working. But I rather give less to her and to quantas I rather pay it in a savings account which helps them later on.

Last edit: by Secondwife

Sunnyside said
The good news is IT GETS BETTER. It took about 18 months in our case but eventually she backed right off. Ask your husband not to tell her anything about you and to only talk about the kids. If she started yelling abuse at him or running on about me my husband just hung up on her and didn't answer calls from her for the rest of the night. Eventually she realised the only way to get her calls answered was to keep her beak out of our business. Like training a fairly dopey dog, really. Not much you can do about her denigration of you to the kids, but kids aren't stupid and they will eventually make up their own minds about you based on what they see and how you treat them. So resist the urge to tell them a few home truths, and be seen to be neutral about the crazy ex. Chin up!
 

Very true it does get better! My ex husband and I have many adult issues that will never ever be resolved between us.  I freely admit I don't like him at all as a person and that will never change.  It's fairly evident he doesn't like me either.  But my views about my ex play no part in any attitude I have towards him as parent and the right for my children to have a relationship with him.  They love him, he's their daddy and point blank that's it!!  Life is full of compromises and who better than to compromise your own feelings for than your children. We communicate mostly through a book, I call him if it's something important (usually medically related) and we certainly still have conflict in our parental relationship at times (never infront of the children) but that doesn't mean that we can't sit in the same room and be civil for a medical appointment for the children or stop me from inviting him to parties for the children that I book for them with their friends etc  It's not hard as a parent to smile and forget for that short period of time your attitudes about the other parent, when you can see just how happy the other parent makes them.

I guess it might depend on the persons ability to get over it and if they can't to put strategies in place to stop things escalating from word go.  Like sunnysides husband i.e. her husband hanging up the phone and refusing to answer it was enough for the ex to eventually get the message that the behaviour was unacceptible.  No, you can't control what the other parent does nor says about you but it is within your power to refuse to allow unacceptible behaviours.  Even if that means simply chosing to ignore them.

"Never, "for the sake of peace and quiet," deny your own experience or convictions". Dag Hammarskjold
I needed help with my case and couldn't afford a lawyer and found these guys invaluable  srl-resources.org
the problem is she says she won't let the kids visit anymore if he doesn't take her c$&@. She is not able to support him in front of the kids if they say something. And if they would be in a room and talk about something he doesn't agree with she freaks out and calls him a selfish c&@$. Just because he doesn't want to pay for everything. She wants half the money for medical bills, as she takes her little one to the doctors for every pimpel. Money for half of the school books. Money for clothes. Now she wants to go through mediation but I don't know if that makes sense as it's her way and no other. My hubby won't agree paying half of school fees aswell + full childsupport. He won't pay a cent more unless there are special circumstances with health or similar. She is supposed to get 1200. He pays 1000 + 500 in travel costs + a loan for the car she drives 200(not included the furniture loan for the things she kept, he kept nothing) his part would be 250 of travel costs as she agreed to go half when she moved away. So it's really instead of 1200 he is paying he pays 1450. Even more If he would include furniture loan. As he pays a loan of 700 per month. Either way I don't care if it state like it is. But she want the full 1200+full travel costs of 500+car+half of school fees. That is what it all is about. Now she doesn't put the children on the plane anymore before she gets more money. If we would have to live on his wage it would leave us with 500 bucks to support us and a Baby. As we are trying for one next year. She is already left with more then him after bills. 2grand is not enough to feed and entertain two kids after all bills are paid for the month without her partner being included into rent and bills? If he covers just a quarer she has 2500 left.
Hey Secondwife,

Please understand that I don't mean to offend you with what I'm about to write as it is really a generic view that I have, not one directed at you specifically.

Secondwife said
the problem is she says she won't let the kids visit anymore if he doesn't take her c$&@. She is not able to support him in front of the kids if they say something. And if they would be in a room and talk about something he doesn't agree with she freaks out and calls him a selfish _.
This is why we have Family Courts Secondwife, so that if parents can not reach agreements about their children's upbringing after the separation or continue to let the conflict interfere with what is in the Best Interests of their Children that Orders can be made for them.

Responsibility to change or adjust opinions does not just fall on the parent who is unable to see reason, it is as equally important for the other parent to take steps to rectify the issues. If your husband is not willing to take those steps through FDR or Court then he is as equally responsible for the continuing problems.

Last edit: by CrazyWorld


"Never, "for the sake of peace and quiet," deny your own experience or convictions". Dag Hammarskjold
I needed help with my case and couldn't afford a lawyer and found these guys invaluable  srl-resources.org
CrazyWorld said
Hey Secondwife,

Responsibility to change or adjust opinions does not just fall on the parent who is unable to see reason, it is as equally important for the other parent to take steps to rectify the issues. If your husband is not willing to take those steps through FDR or Court then he is as equally responsible for the continuing problems.

Secondwife I think CrazyWorld is diplomatically saying its time to stop nattering and take action. If these two are so far apart then its time for mediation and if necessary the Courts. All your outpouring posts are not going to make the slightest difference to his ex. Mediation might and if not then the Courts.
Hi Secondwife, I agree with Conan and CrazyWorld, while taking affirmative steps can seem daunting and it is, sometimes it is a necessary step.  
By the sounds of things you also need to check into what you may be liable to pay via C.S.A. as well as what your legitimate deductions are with regards to C.S.A. as well as looking at reducing taxable income etc.

You can be reactive and just let her determine what the rules will be and force your hands every time or be proactive and learn what the rules are and use them to your advantage.

Ignorance is one of the biggest causes of conflict in separation, because most people believe the rubbish that is told them they react as if there is nothing they can do and accept things in fear of losing everything, to change this educate yourself and your partner and make a difference to your lives.

I know your right. I am just worried mediaton won't help as it seems like all about money for her and she uses the kids to get it. But my husband won't pay more as he pays more than he should already as he didn't agree to the school. But he will take this step to sort visits and other issues out as the children don't listen to him anymore either as she can't support him and he supports her in front of the kids. It has to come to am end. And thank you guys we didn't even know some of the things we can do which not cost us over the thousands. As csa we are worried to deal with. As their reasons I can see sometimes are just positive for the payee and on the end the issues we have with visits and stiff or not sorted anyway. I am just saying it's always her way or no way and he will compromise just not in the money field as she gets more anyway and he gets the bill for her moving away is not right. But he would agree with other things, like him making all phone calls, him having them more time means less costs to her, he would provide sport activities as she doesn't let them do any(no money, she rather buys a new play station) those kind of things. But I know her to well and will see it goes no where. As she is not getting what she wants. But normally through csa she should get 1200 in all what we are paying aswell to cover her part of flights like agreed and stuff we pay for her is over 1450 already. She wants at least another 300-500. That he won't agree with I ment. As that will bring us to 500 bucks to support us with a baby next year as we are trying to recieve as we might be able to take a loan under my name to support our family for the first year and I can go back to work after a year my boss said. But we will need a loan for a child while she lives the high life. Not really fair but nothing I can do. Thanks u all so much
Secondwife you are repeating the same things over and over again, it might be far more productive if you
checked with the CSA calculators
get the issue moving towards mediation
start preparing for Court
we did calculate it's 1200 like I said but we pay 1000+flights+car which csa is not interested in (I mean the car) we are going mediation see what's happening and if she can't agree with anything, as she gets more money already, it will be court. Or if she agreed but doesn't stuck to it it will be court aswell. As csa we talked to, can't include the car. They would like to take more money as they don't care if he agreed school or not.
Has your partner even sorted out his financial situation legally at this point ?????

A lot of what you are discussing seems to be choice by him with nothing more than a suggested " not rocking the boat " attitude on his behalf. If this is so there is nothing you can do to resolve the situation.

Is he interested in changing his situation because it doesn't sound like he is and you are not in the position to make the changes you seek, he has to be a willing partner in this.

He does have options but if he's going to stick his head in the sand he will be taken advantage of from the rear.

You can vent your situation and express how wrong it all is for you but all that will do is follow an ever diminishing circle that will see people not participating in your conversation, the reason this happens is you have been given some solid advice which you are not taking advantage of.

You need to try mediation before court and if it works great if it doesn't then be prepared to move forward by rather accepting the situation or going to court. The thing with mediation is you do not have to commit to something you do not agree with and the thing with court is that you may be force to commit to something you do not agree with but the same is in fact true in reverse, the mother may be forced to commit to something she does not agree with.

that's what I said above. My hubby talked to csa that won't bring us further as they can't include the loan in any assesment that's why we take the advice and seeks mediaton as she is happy with going through mediation. We will see what's happening there, they can give us some advice for sure if we have good chances through court and they might have a word with her aswell. If that doesn't help, we will have to go through court. I mean if she can't agree in mediation or isn't willing to sort it out. He tried to not go this way as he was worried she brings up the kids against him even more and also we thought it cost thousands we don't have. But he will now as she makes it to difficult for him to see his children and the money is also a big issue. Thank u.
Secondwife, I think your husband needs to understand that his ex will turn his kids against him as much as she possibly can despite what he does. From what I read you say she is already saying nasty things about him to them and in front of them. I don't believe that will change. Your husband needs to have guaranteed regular time with the kids so they can see for themselves what he is like and decide for themselves, and not just listen to the nasty things she says about him.

In your husband's place I would want some certainty over when I would see my kids. If I was him I would tell her I am happy to go to mediation, and I would go there saying what I want, which might be "I want a regular schedule when I see the kids" (eg. every second weekend for two nights, or every second week for 7 nights, or whatever works). It could be a good thing for him to get some things settled instead of always having to beg or to accept whatever his ex wants at the time. Even if he doesn't get what he wants, it is good to know what you are getting.
Mediation is not there to give you legal advice thats your responsibility to seek. There job is to try and mediate a solution that both parties agree upon, not particularly a fair deal but what both parties agree upon. You need to know your legal entitlement.

If you do not provide a reasonable assimilation of why what you are trying to achieve is fair to the mediators they will assume you agree to what exists or have priorly agreed setting president, this does not mean they will force the situation simply that they accept things as they are shown.

Have you inquired as to the cost of the mediation session through the company or if you are entitled to free mediation session ????

The same point remains, you need to research your situation to find out what your rights are and no if he has agreed to pay her personal loan as part of their settlement it will not effect child support it is a separate agreement between his X and himself that does not involve the kids.

You also have to prepare solution or choices before going into mediation there is no point just turning up stating what you want without possible options, the X is in the position of power by the sounds of things so you need to work towards presenting options, she is not going to do anything.

I'm assuming this loan that is being discussed is in your husbands name.

   
Yes but the car is still in both names she is driving. There was no settelment. I have heard the first 3 sessions would be free. Yes the kids blame him for everything already. I know that but they had a privat  agreement she does break all the time. They even put it in writing. Can she break what was sorted in mediation? If she can she will keep doing what she wants after it if it isn't her way. I guess it will end in court. My husband is preparing for it. A friend of him is lawyer he will see what we can do if mediation
 doesn't do anything for us. It's not his specialty but I guess he can give some advice how to argue and stuff and how to present himself overall. Back to the loan they split it when they seperated and put it in his and her name seperate but the car is in both names. So I am not sure if that helps. I hope. He is going to call family relationship center tomorrow. Not sure how we orgenize it as she lives 700ks away.
You need to go to court, it is the only way with a person like this. Your husband will have to start playing hard ball or he will just get walked over - we see this all the time.

Executive Member of SRL-Resources, the Family Law People on the site (Look for the Avatars).   Be mindful what you post in the public areas. 
Yes but as far as I understood they have to have mediation first either way. If she really doesn't send the children anymore like she says we will. But we are keen to try it under mediation. She said no money no children. Till now it was just words, she is just being very difficult to find dates for the visits and also c$&@" on about it a lot. I think even after court it will be the case. But hubby agreed to mediation and if she really doesn't cooperate after that at all and trys to let the children not see him, he told her yesterday, than he is taking her to court.  Either way she requested changes and mediation at first stage. If she wants to do it she can orgenize it he said, he will go there with her and work it out. Otherwise he told her if that continues like it is at the moment and she does change her mind and not going, he will take legal actions. Not sure if it makes sense what I wrote. Either she stops what she is doing, or they go to mediation, if it still continues even if they find an agreement, he will take her to court. Sorry hard to find the right words. After he told her that yesterday she discussed parental issues the first time. Which was good. He got a chance to explain to her that we are not the bad people and the kids trying to play them against each other to get more out of it as they know that they can't communicate. It was the first time she listened without giving him c$&@, calling him the bad one and blaming him for the kids doing this. We will see what happens.
It seems at this point both parents are still playing each other trying to push what they want rather than work things out, sorry if this seems harsh but when threats are used it shows the situation is still adversarial and can simply explode at any point.

Because of this it is hard to extend advice on direction because parties still believe they can control the situation by bullying and threats.

The situation will drag out, the children will see the way both parents are acting and mirror this behavior to their advantage or be manipulated by one or both parents. Unfortunately it seems both parents are still playing games, again sorry if this seems harsh.

I believe the situation is reactive on both sides and there is still a lot of jostling for power.

He willingly committed to taking on the loan, get over it and move on, the vehicle value will be part of financial settlement so he may pick some extra there but again let it go he made a mistake that will not be addressed until financial settlement is approached. Until this point there is no point sorry.

If she threatens " No money no kids " and it as yet has not been tested then how do you know for sure she won't send them ???? Sure you can refer to the fact the threats forced you into complying with her demands but she can just as easily say she would have never carried out the threat and in the scheme of things this could nullify what happened.

When you have court orders you have legal recourse but this does not mean orders will be applied if the circumstances deem this. That simply is what we all face.

If he is happy to wait to see what happens before applying for mediation or leaving it in her her court to apply for mediation then he is not willing to address a problem which could soon be decided by the kids choosing. If we procrastinate too long we end up losing.

The biggest problem you have is your partner is not at the stage where he feels he needs to pursue the matter and you are at the stage where you want life's problems sorted so your home life is more stable and predictable both with the kids and financially.   

monteverdi's statement is the best advice. I can't offer up anything new or other options all I can offer is my hope that whatever he tries works for him and the kids but this happening in the current situation is not likely.

 
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