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A Parent Once Again! What Now?

Hey Guys Paddy here,

If you know me my story is ongoing. What it makes it more interestin is that my eldest child has turned up on my doorstep. Of course totally welcomed and wanted but in doing this I have now made my ex after alot of years sort of into my house to. But the mane problam is that my child and of corse my other children are obviously been bought up with the fact that I am to put it best 'A Loser'??

What do I do now?? My wife is great and is supportin me but she says is between me and ex as its our child, so because the child is in our house I should be the main one to deal with this conflict. I do agree but my child has been told so much 'crap aobut me' and 'untruths' I am finding this hard. Any ideas?   Paddy.
Happy birthday Paddy ( for starters )

One thing many parents do that is a mistake is to put down the other parent, this puts the child into the position of protector and drives a wedge into the relationship that is just starting to grow.

Your wife is very smart by allowing the situation to remain between ' the family ' lets face it if she has an opinion and tries to enforce it or just express her views this again can have negative effects not only in regards to the kids but yourself and her relationship.

I'm not sure as I would express it as a conflict but more of a situation.

I would make it clear to your son that you have no intention of telling him stories about his mother that are negative or disrespectful towards her.

You will however answer his questions to the best of your ability keeping this in mind.

And you will not confront his mother in regards to the past but happy to help him in anyway you can.

You really have to be honest and deny anything that is not true but don't try to lay blame and reflect any " why would she say that ? " with " I don't know things were difficult back then " or some such comment that is non confrontational.

Sometimes as parents we have to select the information that is available to our children until they are ready to hear it, they may never be ready to hear it or telling them everything may not be in their interests. We may want to tell everything and protest the truth or our innocence but when the crunch time comes I wonder how many of us will especially if it meant seeing our children in pain.

Take your own council and search yourself you will do fine Paddy just think about your replies carefully and thank your wife she's pretty damn smart if you ask me.
My personal mantra, that I share with the kids goes as follows:

Mummy doesn't tell lies (and I don't).

Mum is all about being fair. (explanation of what fairness is etc)

Judge me by what I do, not what people say (I prefer to judge people by their actions and how they treat me, than what people say.)

Three easy concepts like this are something kids of any age can get their head around. Giving a child the power to make decisions and judgements about you as a person opens the possibility that they can do this "personal scan" and assessment of other people (including other parents). This is especially powerful in small children, who feel powerless and are still under the impression that parents are demi-gods.

However, at no time have you (or do you) slagged off at the other party/ies.

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Executive Member of SRL-Resources, the Family Law People on this site (Look for the Avatars). Be mindful what you post in public areas. 
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