What do emotions really tell us and how can we start to let intensely charged sitations go naturally!
Emotions are sometimes difficult for us to handle!
When expressed as unconditionally as we can we help to build our children's self esteem and develop a loving and caring relationship!
When we allow ourselves to be joyful and have fun we model to our children a life of joy and fun. The more we can have joy and fun in our lives and allow our children to experience these emotions the more they will be able to develop the pathways in their brains to be positive, loving, joyful and happy.
When appropriately expressed, anger can be a fire or passion for change. Only when it's misdirected, or inappropriately expressed, is it destructive. Recognising and accepting our own anger will provide the impetus for change. Off-loading it onto others, making them 'the bad guys', gives away our personal power and often leaves us stuck with the problem.
This is like frozen anger and is a feeling that blames others for a situation or for a hurt we feel. It's an 'export job' - a way of holding others apart from us, to maintain a position of being right, superior or self-righteous. It's often easier to feel resentment rather than to take responsibility for other feelings, or for changing the situation.
Underneath resentment and anger there is often hurt. Acknowledging that you feel hurt is empowering. The alternatives are often to withdraw, to seek revenge or to feel resentment. All of these contribute to the escalation of conflict. Often it is easier for others to acknowledge our hurt than our anger. When talking about our anger, we may be better received if we also talk about our hurt.
Guilt can be very self-destructive when we allow it to gnaw away at us. It can be productive when we allow ourselves to feel it fully, and then move on by seeking to understand the source of our guilt. It is then that we can choose what needs to be done to resolve it. All we may be able to do is decide not to do what we did again, in a similar situation. Or we may be able to learn a new way of behaving.
Often when we show anger or resentment, we are also hiding regret. We have great difficulty in experiencing and expressing the pain and sorrow under the anger and resentment. Fear, anxiety and embarrassment block the expression of regret. Regret is a huge feeling that is the acknowledgement of the unfulfilled potential of a situation. It is often the last emotion before we let go the "if only's" and reach a place of acceptance.
We often experience this when we feel out of control of a situation. Fear arises from our interpretation of what the outcome will be; physical or emotional hurt, or consequences that will diminish us or our circumstances in some way.
© McMahon: www.conflictresolutionbooks.com.au ISBN 1-920904-00X
Emotions - Just a few ideas to reflect on and consider.
We only attract to us "who we are"; e.g. we attract anger because we have 'shadow' anger. We try to manage the emotion instead of realising it is how we are reacting to the environment we are in.
It is simple to learn how to release emotion, yet most of us do not want to or do not know how to. We need to recognise how our body is reacting to the emotion; or behaviour; simply know this is how the body is reacting.
We can change our relationship to the information we are receiving that stimulates us to act out an emotion in a particular manner.
Some people feel they are a 'Victim' to the environment and therefore the emotion they do not own they are creating the emotion through their thoughts, personality, needs of the ego; or concerns from flight or fight response.
We can diffuse or build emotion or clear the emotion; but the change is not sustainable unless the person changes their response or reaction to their environment.
Clearing or diffusing an emotion gives a window of opportunity for the person to start to change how they respond to their environment through changing beliefs, attitudes, self talk, strategies of dealing with flight and flight reactions.
We need to stop JUDGING OUR ENVIRONMENT and the people within it. It is our shadow that is reacting to the environment or to people. (Shadow - the subconscious or unconscious part of self; Persona - the conscious part of our self) old unexpressed emotions are held in the 'shadow' and stimulated into reaction or response by environmental stimuli. We are not simply our emotions they are really something we create and are not really who we truly are.
A place of limitation is fear based; simply let go; what comes up is your shadow; too much shadow let go too quickly often leads to breakdown or psychotic episodes.
The child from 0-8 years old is a sponge and they are a product of many things; genetic; ancestry; personality traits; etc. They start to personalise their world based on environmental influences and the people within their environment. The shadow is added to and suppressed for many children who experience fear reactions and trauma.
Children learn how to see their world mainly in early years from their parent/s. They start to polarise their world into good or bad or duality. Who they are becomes identified with this interpretation. By the time they are approximately 8 years old their ego structure is forming in a way they identify themselves as separate individuals with their own shadow material. Up to 8 years old children will still be very much at the affect of the flight and fight response depending on the pressures of the environment.
Children are not taught the skills to deal with the emotions that become buried in their shadow because of their personalised view of the world created through their parenting. Add parent separation to this developing stage and add confusion to the development of their world for a young child.
The very cells of the body are given instruction to react in a certain way; so the very physiology of the child is affected by the shadow and emotions of the child. Emotions have a chemical composition that when negative can lead to disease. Cells take on a specific vibration and transit a unique frequency; an electrical field or transmission which will affect other people in their space. It is like a magnet that attracts our experiences. So there are many things happening energetically. But we only see our perspective and this can be limited depending on our experiences in our environment.
The more negative our experiences are; add tiredness, stress and fear to the child's world; we create emotions in our shadow that can explode given the 'right' conditions. The child may have unexpressed anger, hurt or fear. They can internalise these which leads to sickness and after about 40years of age serious illness; or they can explode often in a powerful tantrum which causes pain, hurt and judgement but is not really understood by the parent. The parent often responds by trying to 'control' the behaviour of the child instead of teaching the child how to diffuse emotions safely. The reason for this is the parent does not understand the shadow or the suppressed emotions and interprets the tantrum as a person attack when this is not the case.
Teaching children not to build the 'charge' in a tantrum in the first place means they have very solid behaviour management techniques; coupled with love and care, good nutrition, sensible routines; and awareness of what is going on helping them to respond appropriately. Kids don't have tantrums just for the sake of it unless they have learnt at a later date to use this strategy to get what they want; even then there is a message in their tantrum about having their needs meet.
When we don't teach children how to firstly not create the 'charge' of a negative emotion; and secondly how to defuse a charged emotion safely we allow the child to grow into an adult who does not know how to respond to their emotions. They will suppress, explode, contain or express appropriately emotions depending on what they have been taught by the parent; and if they see then self as a Victim to their environment they will also see themselves as a victim to having their emotions.
As an adult when you are a victim to emotions you can have many different patterns surfacing. The environment you are in will stimulate what is unresolved in your shadow. It can bring up exhaustion or depression because the emotions are suppressed; it can cause explosions over those you love because you have not resolved your shadow. At the same time you are teaching your child how to deal with emotions and depending on their relationship with the parents, and their personality preferences; you are modelling the management of emotions to your child. As an adult when we empty more of our shadow through self development through life experiences or through counselling, courses etc we will start to minimise emotional charge. You are breaking old patterns and these patterns are not really who you are; they are simply learnt patterns; started as a child.
So how do we start to clear emotion or 'charge' of an emotion? You simply start to notice what you are feeling; e.g. 'I am feeling angry'; don't identify with it or personalise it; or tell a story about it. Simply state I release or clear this; I let it go and breathe deeply until the feeling is gone. Intense emotions happen because they are many incidents on top of each other that have not been discharged.
There are of course many other strategies to start to release pent up emotion! (Will write later on these.)
When we push the feeling away we add to 'charge' and can suppress it; it could lead to disease or at a later date a non-typical explosion of the emotion or dumping on someone.
So the choice is to release charge through awareness and don't identify with it; simply realise it is a 'charge' of emotion. Like a balloon you have blown up that now needs to be deflated before it explodes! Many depressed people have immobilised emotions turned on them selves; they have not been able to release the 'charge' because of beliefs systems about emotions. eg. men should not cry; bad people get angry etc. If we do not release charge even if it is in our subconscious or our shadow; we will keep attracting people to us who will eventually press our buttons for the charge to come up. The more we let go of pent up emotions (hopefully appropriately and not dumping) the more expansive we are to be able to do things in our lives.
When we stop JUDGING others we will often stop building charge. When we stop taking ourselves so seriously we will reduce emotions! People can become addicted to different emotions and will develop in their cell structure receptors that respond to this emotion and create these emotions on a consistent basis. Similar environmental stimuli will then trigger these emotional responses. When we have cleared our shadow of built up emotions we will find other peoples' emotions will not affect us but simply pass through and we will note or observe what is going on for the other person without judging, just being aware. The more you resist others and their point of view the more there is an emotional build up in the body. The more you identify with the emotion the more it will appear to be you; instead a messenger to tell you that you are coming up against a different point of view. The more attached you are to your point of view the more the emotions will charge. The body will react and you are part of the problem.
The child is learning how to relate to their world; they model their emotional responses on parents and/or personality needs and fears; they either learn to defuse emotions, control emotions often a suppression) or easily let go emotions. At the same time there is the normal flight/fight response going on for children and they need to learn to deal with this fear in an appropriate manner.
The child is also a sponge from 0-8yeras old and will often take on the unexpressed emotions or charge of the parent and reflect it back to the parent in a tantrum. They feel it intensely as they are so connected to the parent; separation into their own ego structure has generally naturally occurred around 8 years old unless the parent has extreme co-dependant issues with a child. If this is the case the child can still be acting out the parents emotions even when they are a teenager.
Not only the child but a parent needs to make friends with their 'demons'; fear based perceptions; they are only illusions any way. If you give attention to fear you will keep creating it; if you give attention to anger you will keep getting angry!
When we embrace the energy or 'charge'; through simply accepting it; this is the vehicle to transmute the 'charge'. The energy breaks off as we are not fearful of it, we need to let is go or it will be dumped on someone else who will need to deal with it. Emotion is energy; when we let go suppressed energy we may at first try to resist and get very tired and then start to yarn as it leaves us. Don't identify with it and make it yours through continual talking about the emotions and the story as it will increase the charge. See the charge as emotion that is separate to you; something that can simply be let go. Embracing an emotion simply mean acknowledging the emotion; not denying it; but making a choice to not add to it or give it more energy.
The more fear we have and the more we add to it we create this as our reality. Children when they are fearful; which is a natural part of growing up; can be taught to let fear go or add to it! What the parent does when a child is fearful will greatly influence the child. Some children become very scared of many situations in life and this affects their self esteem and ability to become independent at appropriate ages.
Some of these thoughts taken from the work of Eric Dowsett.