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Relocating and "the meaningful relationship"

My partner and I would like to relocate outside of the designated area that is currently stipulated in our consent orders.

Lets say the designated area is "within metropolitan Melbourne".  We currently live on one side of the metro area.  To get to the other side, if I was to gain employment or just move there would take 1 hour, 10 mins out of peak hour traffic and up to 1 hour 45 mins in peak hour.

Where we are looking to move to is 1 hour 10 mins to 1 hour 20 mins maximum any time, day or night

My Ex-husband is refusing to let us move outside metro Melbourne but it is similar distance and often less time-in-car to move to where we want to go.

It would only have a minimal impact on his "during school term" time by 2 days a fortnight which we have put to him that he can have in the school holidays.

How can you make someone, including a judge, see sense and allow this move to happen?

Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated
Why do you want to relocate if you don't have a job to go? You said if you gain employment. Why not just look for work in your local area, then you won't have to think of relocating and disrupting your three children from their current friends and schooling.If it has minimal impact on during school term of 2 days a fortnight, given that school terms total about 40 weeks, i.e. 20 fortnights, are you willing to give your ex the extra 40 days that is impacted during school term, essentially meaning that he would end up with most if not all of the school holidays. What is your definition of minimal impact?And as for making anyone see sense, you can't make people think a particular way, and you should definitely not be thinking that you can make a judge think a particular way.
Boots said
What is your definition of minimal impact? And as for making anyone see sense, you can't make people think a particular way, and you should definitely not be thinking that you can make a judge think a particular way.
All very sensible commentary… If it is "similar distance and often less time-in-car to move to where we want to go." Then that should be not too difficult, but you will need to ensure there is no loss of time as he will not give up any time I would suggest. Therefore you need to be somewhat creative and come up with alternate options. Can he pick up Friday after school? Drop Monday at school? Can you extend the days he has in school holidays? It is not "him" that is moving it is "you" and your choice to move, so you are the one that needs to ensure the other side has been adequately considered and that adequate arrangements are covered off. There would probably be no objection if it can be shown there is no effect. What about approaching it from another position and look at adding options that ultimately will get to a resolution, the ultimate solution.

In essence you can provide a better way in the circumstance to find a settlement where you are offering mutual gains. The idea is you both may get something out of it. There are four key elements in this type of negotiation and I have bothered to look up some key components for you to consider.

1. Separate the person/people from the problem
   a. What is the underlying problem
2. Focus on interests rather than positions
3. Generate a variety of options before settling on an agreement
4. Base agreement on objective criteria

Separate the People from the Problem
    Do not assign blame
    Use role reversals
    Recognise emotions
    Legitimise emotions
    Do not react to outbursts

If two negotiators want something, the first question that comes to mind should not be, How can I get a bigger share? but How might we make more? How might you find a solution that gives both of you a good outcome here?

Executive Secretary - Shared Parenting Council of Australia
 Was my post helpful? If so, please let others know about the FamilyLawWebGuide whenever you see the opportunity
 
Offering to give make up time in the school holidays is a flawed plan.

As children get older, they need that time to have social interactions and a meaningful relationship with the people in their community. Uprooting them for the entire length of every school holiday (which would be needed, to make up the time you are talking about) would be deeply damaging to them long term - and would not provide them with the ability to have a meaningful relationship with their other parent.
Malady said
Offering to give make up time in the school holidays is a flawed plan.
And your suggestion is?


Executive Secretary - Shared Parenting Council of Australia
 Was my post helpful? If so, please let others know about the FamilyLawWebGuide whenever you see the opportunity
 
Perhaps the answer for this is for the poster to consider whether 2 days per fortnight would be 'minimal impact' if they were the parent in this position, with this level of care.

I personally would be quite peeved to have somebody tell me that it is not a big thing for me to no longer see my child after school, or at least on a regular basis. I am very interested in this part of my children/step children's lives, and like to keep up to date with what they have going on in their lives. To me that is what being a parent is all about. Regular contact that encompasses all areas of the child's life is critical to a good relationship between him/her and a parent.

Maybe 2 days a fortnight is not a big thing for you, so how about you move and leave the child to live with your ex-husband. Then you can take the small amount of time you are offering your child with his father, after all, it is only a 'minimal impact'.

Just a thought….

Last edit: by kathg


A child is a gift, not a weapon. To be a parent is a privilege, one which unfortunately some parents do not deserve.
Thanks everyone for your comments so far.  

I am looking for work and have family and support in the area I am looking to move to.  Where I currently am, no support here if I need my children looked after, something happens to me on the way home etc.  

In no way am I saying this is an easy thing to do, but I am looking for way to make this a win-win for everyone involved, including the children with my ex and the children with my current partner.  

Please keep the advice coming
Secretary SPCA said
Malady said
Offering to give make up time in the school holidays is a flawed plan.
And your suggestion is?



Apologies - you are right Secretary SPCA, critique of a plan without offering an alternative solution isn't helpful.

My suggestion would be for the OP to seek support in the area that the OP currently lives and works. Perhaps the other parent could offer the support that the OP needs at those times when she is running late or unable to care for the children. Is there any reason that the other parent *couldn't* be the first line of support when the children need to be cared for? I don't understand why involved and loving parents are overlooked as potential carers and other family members are identified as preferable, particularly when accessing those other family members means uprooting the children and moving away from the other parent.

If for some reason the other parent isn't available or suitable, then there are other options in the area that the OP currently lives - make friends with other parents from the children's school. Use a barter system with a network of friends for childcare - swap hours of babysitting rather than payment to help everyone save money. Look into appropriate before and after school programs - in a city these programs are quite prevalent. Consider placing an ad for ad hoc babysitting in the local high school newsletter or University common spaces. Screen applicants before you need them so you have a list of people to call on if and when needed. Adopt a grandma. There are neighbourhood houses that run programs to connect older people with younger families wanting a grandparent like relationship.

Like other posters, I don't think that children losing access to their other parent 2 nights a week is "minimal impact" and I think that the original poster would be better off considering other ways of overcoming the challenges of separated parenting.
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