Donate Child Support Calculator
Skip navigation

Step-mum wanting to put family back together

Add Topic

Looking for support and information.

Hi everyone,

I am new to this site and thought the best place to start would be to explain my story (also it would be good to get it down and not just in my head) before I take a look around. Sorry if this is in the wrong section. This is going to be long and probably filled with details that are not needed but I feel like I need to explain how bad things are.

My partner and I have a 1yr old son and I would like nothing more than for him to know all of his siblings.

My partner has 3 other children to two different women. He has not got any court appointed parenting plans for the oldest kids but it was agreed apon when he and ex1(their mum) first broke up that he would have them every second weekend. That was the case for years and they stayed overnight at his place during those weekends. However I have noticed that since finding out about my pregnancy and the birth of our son, we have been lucky to see the kids two days a month. He does not get them for fathers day even if it falls on one of his weekends. Ex1 has also decided that the kids are not alloud to stay at our place over night and instead have to stay at my partner's mothers house. This means that if his mum is away on holiday we miss out on seeing the kids.

The kids are 12 and 9 and I know that they want to spend more time with us but I don't think they understand why they can't.

Now my partner also has another child aged 3 to ex2(her mum) and he hasn't seen her since a week before Christmas 2010. Ex2 was the reason why they broke up. She manipulated situations to start fights in the hope that he would break up with her. She even had another guy stay over when my partner was visiting his kids and waited until he came home to see the other guy. She didn't deny that anything happened and instead insisted on having a screaming match. After they did break up she announced the news on her Facebook page and told everyone how happy she was. At first she told him that she wouldn't stop him from seeing their child & my partner stupidly believed her so he didn't try to get any official agreements made up.

About a month and a half after they broke up, he and I moved in together as just friends and roommates (we didn't become a couple until a few months before our son was conceived) but when his ex found out she started posting some hurtful and horrible things about my partner on her Facebook page. Like calling him a pedophile but yet still letting him see his child. She accuse us of having an affair behind her back when we were only friends and she had a new girlfriend/lover living with her the week after they split.

At first my partner was seeing his child every Tuesday and every second weekend. He even drove all the way to ex2 (over an hour away) and back and not once did he ask ex2 to go out of her way. One day he had his child and ex2 texts and tells him he needs to bring her back (he'd only had her for 2hours 1 of which had been spent in the car) because ex2 mum wanted to visit. Her mum lives around the corner from them and is there nearly everyday while my partner only saw his child mostly one day a week. His ex started finding excuses as to why my partner couldn't see his child. One day when she picked their child up from our place(she had stuff to do in the area or she wouldn't have been there) their child ran up to me and gave me a kiss and a hug without being prompted and ex2 was so angry about this that she stopped him seeing her for a week.

Finally my partner had enough and went down to see a lawyer. The lawyer charged a lot of money to get in contact with ex2 for mediation (at the time we didn't know about family relationship centers) to which ex2 told the lawyer to *beep* off. My partner was then told by the lawyer that he needed to try again 2 more times before anything could be done and it was cost money. I believe now that this lawyer was a bit dodgy as I have been given other information from another lawyer.

Also ex2 and ex1 have now become close friends. Brought together by their need to destroy my partner's life. So a few times he would get a message saying that he can't have the older kids because they are staying at ex2s place.

Anyway after we told the oldest kids that i was pregnant we got a call from someone who is on Facebook with ex2 (I don't use Facebook so I dont know how it all works) but apparently ex2 had posted some pretty bad stuff about us and our baby. She even accused us of having planned our baby even while the two of them were still together. Our son was not planned by the way. After that he saw his daughter 3 times. Once was when we had the other kids at his mums and ex2 sent him a msg saying that she was gonna drop their child off for a few hours. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and didn't want to deal with her drama. So my partner and I decided to go an pick up some things while ex2 dropped their child off but then ex2 wouldn't leave so I stayed at home while my partner went back. Ex2 refused to let him really have quality time with their child and eventually left because he was paying more attention to the kids then he was her.

The second was when we drove to her house to pick up the other two children as they had stayed the night at her house. It was heartbreaking because as soon as their child saw my partner they ran up to him with a huge grin shouting "daddy daddy" and gave him a big hug. Then as we were about to leave and the other kids got in the car the little one started pouting and saying "daddys house. Daddy's house" indicating that they wanted to go with us. Ex2 turned around and said "I know you want to go with dad but you can't" again it was heartbreaking as the only reason why they couldn't go with us was because ex2 isn't putting their child first.

The last time he saw his child was just before Christmas 2010. He went to ex2s place and was asked to stay at her house while she went shopping with her mum. He didn't stay at the house but in the area and kept asking ex2 when we would see their kid for Christmas. Ex2 of course never answered and that wa the last time he saw his child.

Now our issues with ex2 do not stop there. She is the reason why ex1 won't let the other kids stay with us because she has convinced her that my partner can't be trusted with the kids over night. This is very annoying because it was my partner's choice to have the kids stay at his mums and the reason is that when he and ex2 were dating, he got sick of her doing nothing but sitting at the computer when the kids were over. And he didnt like that she got jealous if he paid more attention to the kids then to her. So he made the decision to take his kids out of that environment and now ex2 has the hide to say that he can't be trusted.

Our biggest problem was just before and shorty after our son was born. My partner had some items in ex2s shed. Things they got together as a couple that he no longer wanted. Ex2 sent him multiple texts saying that he needs to pick the stuff up. She even sent me a text(why she has my number I don't know) and every time my partner sent back telling her that he didnt want it and that she was free to do with it as she pleased. He even told her that he would pay for the dumping fees if that's what she wanted. But still she sent texts saying that he needed to pick it up or it was all going to be thrown away. Then we didnt hear from her for nearly 2 weeks. And then one day when our son was 2 weeks old we hear a car come screaming into our drive way. We looked out the window and saw ex2 with her mum and someone else. Their child not in sight. We didn't go outside and unstead waited to see what ex2 was gonna do. She dumped a bunch of stuff out the back and then stormed to the front door and started banging on it. Our son was asleep in the nursery and thankfully did not wake up.

My partner opened the door and ex2 tried to push her way into our house but my partner quickly moved forward and shut the door behind him. There is no way I would want that women in my home or near my child. Anyway ex2 told my partner that she was sick of having his *beep* at her place and therefor dumped it out the back. My partner knew she wanted a fight and a rise out if him so he simply said "ok you can go now" after realizing that she wasn't gonna get what she wanted ex2 left. As soon as she did my partner calle the cops to see what could be done about stopping her from randomly turning up at our house. It's one thing for her to turn up while my partner is home but I would hate to think what would have happened to myself and our son of she turned up and my partner wasn't there. The cops said that they would call ex2 and warn her not to come to our place again. Then they called back an said that if she ever did to call them and they would show up. About 5 mins after this my partner gets a text message from ex2 that among other colourful things said "stay out of our lives" and aside from her sending me a msg on my birthday we have not heard from ex2 since. Also none of what she dumped at our house was my partner's anyway and he didn't even recognize any of it. It was all just old junk that belonged to ex2.

So now our son is 1 and he has yet to meet his youngest sibling because ex2 is being bitter and not putting her child first. It is really sad to know that the innocent children our the ones suffering the most because of ex2s actions.

You may be wondering why my partner has not tried to sort this out before now. I asked him this and the reason is because he is afraid that ex2 will try to hurt me and our son. I found out recently that ex2 told someone that she was going to kick me in the stomach back when I was pregnant. Because of this and other unstable behavior my partner decided that he would put our safety first. I know that we could have put out AVOs on ex2 and what not, but I have known people who have then and they don't really do anything. Even with one if ex2 wants to come near us she will.

My partner is also scared that ex2 will drag the court process out and that it will be years before a desicion is even made. And that once a decision is made that ex2 will constantly break the agreement and that she will try to mess with other areas of our lives. Plus he knows that she will accuse him of some horrible things to stop him from seeing his child.

A while ago I talked to a lawyer about everything and she was shocked by ex2s actions. She had some very useful and hopeful information. She said that even before official parenting orders are in place that my partner could see his child because even convicted criminals see their children as it's still in the best interest of the kids. She also suggested that the best option for us would be to have an appointed pick up an drop off spot where we would not have to see ex2 at all. This is the best option as again we are scared of mine and of our sons safety with this women. The lawyer also said that since she has kept their child from us for so long that it won't look good for her. I am hoping that this is correct.

What we would love to see happen is for my partner to get full care of their child. But I doubt this will happen as we don't really have any proof (we stupidly didn't save any thing ex2 said or did) of how unstable ex2 is. And even though she is dangerous when it comes to us I think she is still taking care of her child. So if we can't get full care we want to have their child every second weekend(so the same weekends that we get the other kids so that they can all spend time with their brother together as a family). Half of every school term holidays. So if a holiday is 2 weeks then we would get her for 1 week. We'd also want special occasions of our family like father's day, our sons birthday etc. And the. Obviously ex2 would have her on special occasions for her family like mothers day and her birthday. We would also want boxing day as that is our Christmas with the other kids.

I know that is a lot of info and I know that most of it isn't relevant but I just needed to get it down. Would love to hear and suggestions you may have on how we could/should start this whole messy process in order to get that child saftely in their fathers arms. it all upsets me greatly because I don't understand how someone can claim to be a good mother, and then turn around and treat their child as nothing but a pawn to help them in their bitter and twisted game to hurt someone else.

My partner has just started a new job and we are going to wait for him to get settled there before we start anything. It is a bit unsettling to think of how we would pay for all the law fees that come with a this. I have spoken to a few people who have said that so far they have paid over $50,000 and they are no where near finished. We don't even make that in a year so already we know it's going to be hard on us but it's something that needs to be done.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.
You will probably get lots of different replies, which may give you somethings to consider. I think you need a lawyer.

When people seperate, there is often a lot of anger. This may dissolve over time. At least you can be sure that a seperation has occurred. As for wanting full time care of the three year old, which is how I read your letter, you should consider that if this is not absolutely needed, you are leaving the mum alone and such persons often face serious depressive illnesses when this occurs. Think about how you would feel if it happened to you.
Guest said
You will probably get lots of different replies, which may give you somethings to consider. I think you need a lawyer.

When people seperate, there is often a lot of anger. This may dissolve over time. At least you can be sure that a seperation has occurred. As for wanting full time care of the three year old, which is how I read your letter, you should consider that if this is not absolutely needed, you are leaving the mum alone and such persons often face serious depressive illnesses when this occurs. Think about how you would feel if it happened to you.

Hi,

Not sure what you meant by "at least you can be sure a separation has occured"?

With getting full time care, we know this is a long shot and is not going to be our first choice. Like I said even though ex2 is unstable and unhinged where we are concerned I think she is still taking care of her child, so we will only be seeking 50/50 or so care. However if ex2 does try to hurt mysel or our son in anyway shape or form, or if we feel like her behavior has finally crossed a line an we have proof to show the court then we will be trying for full care. Because if ex2 does try to hurt us physically then se would not be the kid of person that we would want that child living with. It would all be to protect the child. If this did occur ex2 mental health would not be as important as getting that child safe. As horrible as that sounds it's all about the good of the child. Of course even though we would love to have full care we would like more for ex2 to straighten up and become normal enough for all of us to have 50/50 care with no problems so that their child grows up happy and without a life of conflict.

The thing is my partner and I would never stop his kid from seeing ex2 nor would we say or do anything negative in regards to ex2 but we know that ex2 is not the same. We would only sing ex2s praises.

I saw a show today where a male character was gettig his daughter back from his ex and had the option of getting his ex in to trouble but he decided against it and said this line which touched me and I wish that all parents both mums and dads felt this way. Because it is unfair to keep a child from a parent because of your feeling towards the other parent.
The line was "I may hate you right now, but I love her(his kid) and your her mother…"
It had me tearing up.

I know this is going to be a very long and stressful process but what we really want is for that child to become apart of our family as it is where she belongs and it is unfair for her to be missing.

Thank you for your reply. I am sure that I will find many helpful topics and posts on this site and I am also sure that I will be coming here a lot as we get everything rolling. Our first step is to get a meeting with the family relationship center for mediation and go from there. It would be great if things could get sorted there but with ex2 the way she is we know that it will not be that easy.

Thanks again bye.
Ok, I may get fired at for this but is it not up to the parent (in this case the father) to do this? Why did he not go to the lawyer? I also wonder whether you have even considered mediation? Ther is a very long wait so if you aply now it may be at a convenient time to go through the processes. I also question you in regards to waiting - if you really want to have contact with the child, then start now. See if communication lines can be opened with the mother. And remember, you only know his usde of the story, you also need to hear hers.

"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure"
If you want something to happen the family court can help you. Since your post was so well written I suggest you and your partner self represent and take legal action yourselves. There are many resources on here to help you but the best education is to spend time sitting in your local family court and watching how others do it.
"Also ex2 and ex1 have now become close friends. Brought together by their need to destroy my partner's life. So a few times he would get a message saying that he can't have the older kids because they are staying at ex2s place".

This is not that unusual believe it or not. It does tell me that you will have to go to court. I would ignore guest's comments and to some degree Gecko's comment. Quite often in these type of cases it is the partner that takes up the fight on behalf of their man.

Self rep does sound like the way to go.

Executive Member of SRL-Resources, the Family Law People on the site (Look for the Avatars).   Be mindful what you post in the public areas. 
monteverdi said
"Also ex2 and ex1 have now become close friends. Brought together by their need to destroy my partner's life. So a few times he would get a message saying that he can't have the older kids because they are staying at ex2s place".

This is not that unusual believe it or not. It does tell me that you will have to go to court. I would ignore guest's comments and to some degree Gecko's comment. Quite often in these type of cases it is the partner that takes up the fight on behalf of their man.

Self rep does sound like the way to go.
  Monteverdi - why should they ignore those comments? It is an opinion just as every other opinion here. It gives a balanced view at the situation.

"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure"
Gecko said
Ok, I may get fired at for this but is it not up to the parent (in this case the father) to do this? Why did he not go to the lawyer? I also wonder whether you have even considered mediation? Ther is a very long wait so if you aply now it may be at a convenient time to go through the processes. I also question you in regards to waiting - if you really want to have contact with the child, then start now. See if communication lines can be opened with the mother. And remember, you only know his usde of the story, you also need to hear hers.

At the moment it is just easier for me to call laywers during the day instead of my partner trying to call them late in the afternoon. Plus I was just getting some info, all the real dealings will be done by my partner.
Um if we could have contact with his child don't you think we would? I'm sorry but I don't think you understand how ex2 is. She wants my partner to have nothing to do with their child. Any attempt at communication we or anyone else in the family try to make in regards to seeing their child is met with a *beep* off. So tell me how we are meant to make contact?
I do know both sides of the story and my partners is the truth. Ex2 lies about everything to make herself the victim. Also what could she possibly say to justify what she is doing? There is no excuse for keeping a child from a loving parent just because they are being bitter. Also the reason why she is like this is simply because she is pee'd off that my partner wasn't devastated when she left him as she thinks she is 'gods gift'.

I am wondering if you would be saying "listen to ex2 side" if the roles were reversed? If it were a guy acting crazy and keeping a child from a mother?
KidsFirst I agree with you, don't worry, I run all the legal stuff and dealings with CSA, not my husband. I do the research, I talk to the lawyers and I talk to the CSA. We are husband and wife and it is what works for us, if others like it or not. The whole situation always gets treated as if it would only would concern the parents and everyone else has to suck it up, but its not the ideal in blended families.
sm10 said
KidsFirst I agree with you, don't worry, I run all the legal stuff and dealings with CSA, not my husband. I do the research, I talk to the lawyers and I talk to the CSA. We are husband and wife and it is what works for us, if others like it or not. The whole situation always gets treated as if it would only would concern the parents and everyone else has to suck it up, but its not the ideal in blended families.


Exactly. People should remember that we are not just talking about his(my partner's) child. We are also talking about my son's sibling. We are a team and I see this as "our" battle.
You're a good woman kidsfirst. He will need a lot of support to file two cases of children's matters in the Family Court.
I agree good on you for supporting your OH. I do with mine too, at times the battle takes the best out of me but it's what you do if you truly love and care for someone.

The fact the mother is blocking any attempt at contact, shows she is immature or spiteful and not considering the child's rights.
Frenzy said
I agree good on you for supporting your OH. I do with mine too, at times the battle takes the best out of me but it's what you do if you truly love and care for someone.

The fact the mother is blocking any attempt at contact, shows she is immature or spiteful and not considering the child's rights.
  THANK YOU!!!

finally someone who isnt saying that I should here ex2's side. I feel like everyone thinks ex2 should get pitty because she is a woman. Like I said in an above response would people say the same things if i said it was a man acting the same way. Apparently even threatening to kick a pregnant woman in the stomach is ok if your a woman. It makes me sick that ex2 is the one getting sympathy when my partner did NOTHING wrong. Well thats not true he did become involved with ex2 and he stayed with her when he should have left. He stayed with her for their child and was miserable the entire time. The other thing he did wrong was not get court orders in place ASAP. Other than that he and their child are the victims and yet still I hear people say "oh poor ex2", and "maybe your partner is lying to you", "you should hear ex2 side" etc etc etc.

sorry for complaining it is just very annoying. Even after I say all the horrible things that ex2 did people still feel sorry for her. If you wanna feel sorry for someone feel sorry for that child who is being denied a relationship with not only their father but their ONLY BROTHER as well.

again sorry for complaining.
KidsFirst said
sorry for complaining it is just very annoying. Even after I say all the horrible things that ex2 did people still feel sorry for her. If you wanna feel sorry for someone feel sorry for that child who is being denied a relationship with not only their father but their ONLY BROTHER as well.

again sorry for complaining.
 
Mate, you are not complaining in my books. I hear you saying the same things I would say with lots of despair and disbelief that you, your partner and the child(ren) have to go through something completely unnecessary only because some sorry excuse of a human being is acting like that.
And to add insult to it, the system supports or at least allows it. It really is beyond comprehension.
I just want to add my support Kidsfirst. I also did most of the organising and the legal stuff for my partner to get to spend time with his daughter, mainly because I am better at those things than him (he has other skills!) and because he felt emotional and powerless, and was depressed at moving 2000km to be near his daughter only to be told 'no' by his controlling and manipulative ex - not everyone can just react to this kind of situation by becoming a super organised research machine. It had nothing to do with how much he wanted to see his daughter, but he is non confrontational by nature and was very distressed. It helps to have a little emotional distance such as I had to be able to get things done.
I also found it difficult that a lot of people suggested that my partner's ex must have a reason for only allowing him to see his daughter for 2 hours a month (among other things), or that we should think about her side of the story. I was initially very compassionate towards her and felt sad for her, as she was so disappointed that their relationship did not work. But as time went on it became clear that her motivations were to punish him by wihtholding contact with their daugther, and trying to alienate the little girl from him. I began to realise that she was prepared to hurt her daughter in order to her my partner, all because she was bitter that he ended the relationship. So it really hurt me when people suggested that she may have her reasons - what reasons are enough to stop a child from having a father  - even the ex never tried to suggest he wasn't a fit parent!
Anyway, after 2 lots  of mediation (which did not work as my partner had no legal representation) and then one court hearing, (before which she finally realised she was accountable to the law) things are much better. I just wanted to say that I think there a lot of people in your position and I wish I'd known that when things were really bad. I wish you the best of luck with it, it is so sad for all the kids. I hope there has been some progress since you posted.
1 guest and 0 members have just viewed this.

Recent Tweets