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View topic: OK twice in a row she is hiding in bedroom at place of handover and sending son outside to see if I've arrived. – Family Law Web Guide
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OK twice in a row she is hiding in bedroom at place of handover and sending son outside to see if I've arrived.

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She tasks me!

since I decided to get mediation she has insisted I now pick up my son at her mother's house, who I get along with well, and she is their twice . I originally wanted the police station but she insisted her mom's. I should of asked for her mom' and then she would probably insist on the police station. Well the whole idea is not to see each other but when I drive up I see my son running outside and then running inside. First time I thought it was weird and she appeared as I was talking to her mom. I just ignored her completely. Today I go there and my son does it again and as I was too relaxed to think she would do it twice! After a little while, of chat, I saw at the side of my eye her hiding in the bedroom. I just went " damn, let's go." she knew after my texts yesterday that I am fuming from her grabbing a double dip at child support, and, also, the above and beyond payments she does not appreciate me doing for her.Well it turned into an argument in front of all as she is goading me about the lawyer she thinks I have not got. Her hubris is so huge.

Also the incessant phone calls she does soon as I get my boy home usually twice to three times a day and always asking my son ' are you OK?"



What do I do? As time pasts slow while waiting for the mediation lawyer to send her the message of intent, or whatever it is, she is getting more cockier and I am only human. What advice can anyone give??
On handover pick the boy up and go.

The fact you are getting into a dialogue and working yourself up is unsatisfactory for all. Why are you texting her about CSA issues? How do you grab a double dip. If you want to pay "extra" over and above the set out amount for the benefit of the child that is one thing but don't blame the mother for the Child Support entitlement she is due. If you are not happy about paying extra or can't afford it then don't make them.

Try and move on as hard as it is. Find some other interest other than your ex partner.





Executive Secretary - Shared Parenting Council of Australia
 Was my post helpful? If so, please let others know about the FamilyLawWebGuide whenever you see the opportunity
 
How does she double dip? Simple. Here it is. May 2010 I take on a 4 month role to work in New guinea. I ring CSA and they give me a figure of $356 per fortnight. I pay this up till Sept Th. I then am on unemployment from Sept 20 2010. As you can see I crossover the June tax year. The previous tax year is sorted no probs , in case you ask. Anyway after Sept 19 2010 I am on dole again I ask CSA to acknowledge this and they do. I then pay the required amount for the unemployment I get. Meanwhile ex is on $45,000 per year. Now for the tax return for the  time of June 30 2010 till  Sep 19 2010 they then say I have to pay what is worked out as an annual income. Mind you I have my son 52+ days a year and we had a private arrangement built on trust because I will often have my son when she has to work various shifts or needs , for want of a better word, a baby sitter. Neither of us informed CSA I was having my son more than 0 days because we agreed the CSA system is too bothersome concerning various days of her overtime, child spend times with etc. . I also wanted to contribute when I can on incidental fees as it made me feel more in his life. So in a nutshell everything was fine until she refused me to have my son any more than baby sitting days and fortnightly. So she wrings up CSA wants to make them collect and they inform her because of my tax return I am earning more and now she double dips 3 months back. I payed in real time. Also she has to tell them I have him 52 days a year and they then say well from that day on(27/2/2012) I don't have to pay her anything since I am on a pension now and I have my son 52 days per year.

Why did I text her? Well the CSA call came from left field and I wanted to communicate with her about this as previously she wanted it private and this was working. Also CSA just listen to her and thats it.They tell me nothing like it's not my business and the CSA don't seem to savvy my maths. Oh before you say anything. I studied the first year of a maths degree at uni before switching to science.
I would hide in the bedroom too if I knew there was nothing but aggro to expect at handover.  And Granny's place has got to be less distressing than the police station…

If you genuinely think you need a bit of relief from CSA, talk to them.  I haven't always got the outcome I wanted, but I've always found them happy to work through things with me.
Excuse me? schmidy thanks for your input. But for the sake of fairness and the absence of bias please do not assume! You see sometimes, oh just sometimes, the man may not be the aggressor. For a start any aggro is on her part or catalysed by her. Do you think with all you may of read on me so far I am the antagonist? My ex lives at another house and asked for pickups from her moms, after she would not rationally discuss my, and my son's request, for extra 'spends with' time.

 She insists on listening in within her mom's bedroom instead of doing as she asked, to not be there. So I am asking her to swap at the police station, why? Because she is aggressive and "twists the truth to set a trap for fools".. And maybe hiding in her mothers house "fearing" as you put it from "nothing but aggro.' Maybe she is fearing her own guilty conscience. After all I did try to talk to her about our son ,at a crowded swimming pool while my son was in the water. However this time she would not discuss until pickup day at my house and then cries fowl because I started the discussion at my house and should have known she was going to block it, in her own words," I do not want to pay you child support." and " If I move to Queensland the obligation is on you to move too." I was the fool for getting upset at my own house. Being fair and stepping up to the plate , all these years, is what got me railroaded anyway.

 " If you can stand to hear the truth you spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools."
Hand over at a Police station is nonsense. .. There has to be a better solution and that is wait in the car, have the boy come down to the car, hop in the car and drive off.

What are you doing in her mothers house anyway? If she moves to Queensland there is the option of a recovery order so that is a compete red herring and designed to get you worked up which it has. You seriously need some mediation and work out arrangements where you worry about your child not what she is doing in her mothers house.



Executive Secretary - Shared Parenting Council of Australia
 Was my post helpful? If so, please let others know about the FamilyLawWebGuide whenever you see the opportunity
 
Secretary SPCA. Thankyou for your response. I'm starting to wonder, with all your replies to me here, if you are actually experienced in these matters. So far your answers have held very little water to the various scenarios that a  alienator creates. I suppose yours was just a walk in the park or your ego is getting away from you lest an informed, and viable response appears weak. I am too from a blunt, say it as I see it, environment..But a wise man knows the difference between caution and daring and especially the wisdom of timing.

You do understand the term "horses for courses"? Or an alienating parental personality. In other words while I am waiting for the FDR to take place I am doing all I can to tippy toe around a severe personality disorder which she has been diagnosed with. . Any request is met by absolute denial and explosive irrationality. Then I have to wait until I can bribe her to let go. For I learned after seven years that all is forgiven when money comes into it with her..Roses to a normal relationship, money to a dysfunction ex ..Savvy? So maybe the arena is not as clear cut as you may think.

Queensland? She is from Queensland and she has followed and lived in every state her mother and her married sister has moved to. So keep up with me please. Her mother is too old to move from Adelaide but her sister's family have moved back to Queensland and this has always been on the cards with her.The only reason I have confirmed this is because she stressed my son by telling him she will move back when the time is right.               
Secretary SPCA said
….a better solution and that is wait in the car, have the boy come down to the car, hop in the car and drive off…

…If she moves to Queensland there is the option of a recovery order so that is a compete red herring and designed to get you worked up which it has. You seriously need some mediation…
 
 
Ossman said
Excuse me? schmidy thanks for your input. But for the sake of fairness and the absence of bias please do not assume! You see sometimes, oh just sometimes, the man may not be the aggressor. For a start any aggro is on her part or catalysed by her. Do you think with all you may of read on me so far I am the antagonist? My ex lives at another house and asked for pickups from her moms, after she would not rationally discuss my, and my son's request, for extra 'spends with' time.

She insists on listening in within her mom's bedroom instead of doing as she asked, to not be there.
Ossman said
(@Secretary SPCA=)…I'm starting to wonder, with all your replies to me here, if you are actually experienced in these matters…
Wowsies…look, it's horrible and hard to deal with, and you've got a lot going on with your situation and your emotions…

1. Please, try to remember: if your ex "gets your goat", it prolly means nothing unless a serious Court Order is broken or one of you breaks the law - which frankly could be you. If your emotions are very strong, maybe it's best to pony up for a lawyer to be cool on your behalf.

2. If there's a court order saying handover is at Granny's and the other partner must not be present - there are ways to deal with that through court you could look into.  IF HOWEVER you just personally asked the ex nicely that they not be there at Handover - then just accept the ex will prolly be there, and conduct yourself accordingly: presume you're being listened to, don't mouth off, be civil…and preferably listen to Secretary SPCA's advice and stay in the car if that's feasible.

3. I disagree with Secretary SPCA here: when you're at the "red herring" stage, mediation is too late.  Well…that was my family's situation - we needed the Magistrate to dictate terms to us, and I still can't get the ex to comply properly.  Mebbe mediation would work for you.  Just not for us.

4. Really, try ringing the CSA for a calm chat. You might get a crick'd neck for how long a phonecall takes, but when I've been polite with them, they've explained every option in detail to me. And if you have to pay more than you want, tell yourself you're going "above and beyond" to be good to your kid.

5. Whatever orders or agreements you have that are being broken: keep making it happy, respectful and calm in front of your kid - that idea should rule your actions.  Seems you've got 2 issues: i) The Ex; ii) your kid. Even if you somehow feel screwed over by the ex, don't let your kid see anything but love. Deal with the ex when your kid can't hear or get hit by the fallout.

All that said, I lost my temper and called the ex a butthead the other day, so we're all human and have our special moments.  Carry on.  ;D
Schmidty, SPCA.

I'm sorry if I jump hard sometimes here. I know you all mean the best and thank you for that. Yes my situation is a mine field. But I suppose they all are in their own way. I had a very wise chat to a professional who has a PhD and deals with the fallout of this all the time. He was hard on me yesterday and he was right. He explained that I really have to start thinking as nasty as the other party but keep it lawful and keep your thoughts on the son. I saw him because I felt I may be falling in the wrong direction as I told him how freaky this is now because since I started to get FDR I have lost any hate towards her and am focused on my boy. Apparently that is the perfect attitude and it happened without any me using cognitive behavioural therapy. Or maybe it's a sign that after all these years latent CB is the last choice in my subconscious.



I'll get back after digesting more of all the well meant advice in an objective light.
Love it, ossman, thanks for sharing this!! And even if you did not need to use CBT it shows that you are dealing with the situation constructively and are open for new ways of behavior and/or perception. A lot of people could use this approach in difficult situations and it would do them a world of good.

IMO, working with a counsellor for example should be mandatory when it comes to family breakup, especially when kids are involved.
Babushka,Thanks for validating this approach. It can be so hard without someone helping to point us in the right direction. Yes the counselors, psychologist and psychiatrist can help with so much as long as we are prepared to go in with an empty cup approach. Sometimes, as alien as it sounds, you have to take their advice and work with it.



For instance yesterday, when I discussed these matters about a parenting plan, I put it forward that if I get equal, or close to, shared parenting for him,I naturally would leave my son at his moms until Sunday Xmas night in order for my son to get the best family benefits with his grandma and relatives that fly in.I  also had the same thought for Easter, as I have no family. My psych said no you should ask for ever other year he should be fully with you. As good hearted are my intentions he said follow this line of thought as your son will not miss out with you and you are not bowing down to her in anyway latent or consciously. He had to say a few thing extra things about the ways an alienator will never do an honourable thing and they will do anything, no matter how immoral, to win and the child is second to them.
Ossman said
 It can be so hard without someone helping to point us in the right direction. Yes the counselors, psychologist and psychiatrist can help with so much as long as we are prepared to go in with an empty cup approach. Sometimes, as alien as it sounds, you have to take their advice and work with it.

 
No worries, Ossman. This is a very important point you are making. No lawyer, no mediator, no judge is going to give you insight on how other people might tick and what you need to change in your own perception or behavior to achieve positive results in an emotion charged situation. Lots of people do not have good conflict management skills nor do they realize that there might be ways of dealing with things differently, which actually could be more helpful than old behavior patterns.

Good on you, mate!:thumbs:
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