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Never argue with idiots and fools as they will just bring you down to their level and beat you with experience!

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Today's revelation, which is inspired from a visit from my mother today, and it's a big one.  Well big is probably the understatement of the year! I might not be 100% correct but I think I've finally worked it out.  It's only taken me what 30 odd years of questioning what is right from what is wrong. 

If I look back on all of the relationships with men that I have ever had (I'm referring to "dating" not friends so much), except for 1 of these relationships, each of the males were very close to their mothers.  Too close in some!  Meaning that in the majority of them they were so close to their mothers and wanted to please her (under control?) so much so that it was to the point of near exclusion of having any sort of relationship with their fathers.  This was even more apparent in those where I was astounded that these men I were dating (sons) knew almost nothing about their fathers and only ever came about to learn more through me and my insistence ("nagging") that they should get to know their dads (who were very nice people and I got along with well) and to change "their" thinking (possibly through forced re-education) before it was too late.  I felt sorry for these dads to the point that I couldn't understand how the could continue to be treated this way or how lonely it was for them to only ever be viewed by their family as the person who went to work and paid for the bills.  That was THEIR job!

Now not to sound ignorant myself, as this doesn't mean that I am now anti-female or think that women in general are at fault, I don't, it takes a whole Nation of ignorant people to screw up this badly (oh except for those people "who no matter how hard they fought, at every turn they were confronted with more obstacles and so continued to feel like they had no control" - those people who most of you refer to as sexist, woman haters or women who join the war), those people here on this site and from the fathers groups and elsewhere who keep trying to be heard, to be listened to, who have used so many different tactics, so many different strategies (none of them ever to harm - just to teach, to re-educate) but we choose to continue to ignore either through "ingrained capacity constraints or intentional manipulation".  Oh don't get me wrong these people, these fighters fighting the good fight are also to blame.  But their blame lies not with evil intention or any sinister motive to oppress a gender or get back at all of the wrongdoings of the opposite race (those evil people, their ex's) but rather their fault lies in the love they have for their children, the love they have for people like you and me "How dare those father's love their daughters so much that they would want to protect them"!

Have we ever even considered our own role in this injustice?  Taken any responsibility for these injustices we have caused?  Do we accept those sayings such as "mummy's boys" and  "sons need their mothers" as being so literal in intent and meaning that we are blind to the fact that boys also need their daddy's and daddy's also need their boys?  How can the words of endearment of "daddys little girl" ever remain a reality when we continue to deny children their rights of having a meaningful relationship with BOTH parents? 

Call me a fool or an idiot, that's ok, but I'd much rather be called one of those names than to remain ignorant and deny what is the truth!!!

"Never, "for the sake of peace and quiet," deny your own experience or convictions". Dag Hammarskjold
I needed help with my case and couldn't afford a lawyer and found these guys invaluable  srl-resources.org
how do I give you a standing ovation? clap...clap...clap....
Well I had little to no relationship with my father growing up and I grew up in a family of girls. It was my grandfather and later my work mentors that taught me what it takes to be a man. The real shame now is that I am trying so hard to be a father to my children and being denied at every turn by their mother who lets my children have regular contact with my dad! I rensent my father for this now so much so that I haven't spoken to him in over as year and I couldn't care less for my father who was never a dad to me. Still you raised some valid points, well written.
CW, thank you. Our society has always been a matriarchy in the home, with fathers largely regarded as expendable. How could it be otherwise when our Governments have been prepared to conscript fathers to fight and die in other people's wars or to strive and die building mines and bridges and Opera Houses? The Family Law is founded on the assumption that dads are expendable as well and a great deal of Feminist thought has been devoted to making a case for this expendability as an immutable fact of life. One of the trade-offs for this expendability has been that the public sphere has largely been a male preserve, since if men are not needed for the home, they can be active elsewhere.

There has been a great dealof effort made to encourage women to participate in paid work and public life outside the home, but the underlying assumption that Mum is the centre of the family and Dad can go live under a bridge still holds. What we're rapidly approaching is a matriarchy in both public and private life, with men reduced to existing on the fringes and the poor bloody kids raised by someone being paid a ridiculous amount of money to do something that Dad would do for the love of it.

It's not merely dysfunctional, it's destructive. In my circle of close friends, all of whom are married, only one (who was married just a couple of months ago) is happy in their relationship. They are all scared of the consequences of divorce, they are all scared to argue with the wife's demands in case she decides to leave. They stay not because of love, but out of fear. Itseems that a woman "staying for the sake of the kids" is a terrible social injustice,but a man living in fear of being left destitute if she leaves is a "Feminist triumph".

The question then is what do we do about that? There is no doubt that very many men ( and some women like yourself) are becoming aware of the problem and that this is affecting their decision to enter into relationships and to father children even when the relationship has existed for a lengthy period. Since the basic purpose of a society is to make it possible for its members to breed in security, this is a serious dysfunction.
CrazyWorld said
Have we ever even considered our own role in this injustice? Taken any responsibility for these injustices we have caused? Do we accept those sayings such as "mummy's boys" and "sons need their mothers" as being so literal in intent and meaning that we are blind to the fact that boys also need their daddy's and daddy's also need their boys? How can the words of endearment of "daddys little girl" ever remain a reality when we continue to deny children their rights of having a meaningful relationship with BOTH parents?
Thanks for the clarity in your post

We have made some progress in the new 2011 amendments and have added to 60D Advisers (Mediators) obligations in relation to best interests of the child through 1 (b) encourage the person to act on the basis that the childs best interests are best met:
(i) by the child having a meaningful relationship with both of the childs parents; and
(ii) by the child being protected from physical or psychological harm from being subjected to, or exposed to, abuse, neglect or family violence; and
(iii) if there is any inconsistency in applying the 21 considerations set out in subparagraphs (i) and (ii)by 22 giving greater weight to the consideration set out in subparagraph (ii).

S60CC (2) remains intact (fortunately)

(2) The primary considerations are: (a) the benefit to the child of having a meaningful relationship with both of the child‟s parents; and (b) the need to protect the child from physical or psychological harm from being subjected to, or exposed to, abuse, neglect or family violence.

and there are some developments around s60CC (3) (c ) that may assist us in this area. Time and the pleasure of the judical officers will tell.

When you mentioned fools and idiots I had to smile, as the work we are doing in both the family law area and CSA legislative area reforming COA most certainly gets us the prestigious title of fools and idiots from a number of people who send me mail on both sides of the divide. Our interest is to ensure children have the right to know and be loved by both parents and I attend many cases where one parent is simply not going to allow that to happen (Well not until hell freezes over or a Federal Magistrates deals to them).. And to those of you who stick your index finger in the air… Watch this space..

Executive Secretary - Shared Parenting Council of Australia
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