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hi, just joined this site as i am now going though a divorce, up to 11 days ago was in happy marrage(i thought).We have been together for 13 yrs and married only for 18months. Have 3 wonderful boys (Under 10).2 houses one in NZ and the house we were living together in.At xmas time i was told by phone that my wife had been having an affair with this persons husband, which started 3months before we were to marry. I tried to work it out and move on (counselling etc). Thought we were working it out but it turns no luck.

What rights do i have as she end the marriage, had an affair, i work fly in fly out, so asked me not to come back home for 3months which i refused to do.She has said that this is about her and not how the kids feel or how i feel. I cant go back to work yet as she works full time and puts the kids in child care or gets a baby sitter for after school. Can i ask her to move out and i look after the boys,any advise would by great. thanks
Sorry to hear it. I truly believe you should ask her to move out and you must keep the children with you. Apart from feeling it to be morally right to have her leave, you will be in a much better position emotionally and financially if you stay in your house with your children. Tell her to go do "her thing". If you need to leave your job temporarily, do it - is my opinion. I lost my house and kids for 2 years. I was cleaned out financially and lost my position as a key parent. If I had stayed in my house it would have been different. This is only my 2 cents. Not worth much more. Best of luck.
As a parent you have no rights unless you have the children in your care for the majority of time. Even when in this situation and because you are a man, the Family Court generally favours the mother unless you can show that she cannot provide adequate emotional support to her children.

This is why Tired suggests. Give up your job and take care your kids and live in your house otherwise you will have a similar experience to Tired.
Keep the house and the kids if possible.
Forget the fly in/out job for the moment. Ask for personal leave, find a reason to a sea-change, write a book whatever. With the amount of stress and krap that is about to happen it is unlikely you will be able to do it anyway and if you can it will all go to pay off her house and not to see your kids.

Sack the baby-sitter and day-care and become Mr Mom with evidence and witnesses. Document all the hours mother can't care for the kids and take-up the slack. Try to make a parenting agreement and have it ratified. This is all important. Sweeten the deal financially if this about her and preferably record her selling the kids. Try to keep the lawyers and other professionals out of it but of course seek advice immediately. Cop whatever she does with a smile. You are on parenting probation. Any sought of anti-mother reaction or resentment that you might not support the Madonna, justified or not,  goes against you. Ask the paramour out for dinner - He is your new best friend  if you want to keep the house and kids. I know these bites but put the offer out there. You want to get along. They wont accept and it disarms and delays. She has had a ton of time to plan.

It is really not about the best interests of the kids at this point - unless you think they are better off without you. Good luck. Get the parenting agreement. It will save you $100K and years of pain.
thanks to you all for the advise and support. it is going to be a hard road to travel down.
Hi Confessed,

There is also the option of living seperated in the one house.  It is difficult but can be achieved.  A word of caution also.  Be wary of the card some people have opted to use which is domestic violence, luckily I was not subjected to that when I sperated but the X bandied it around.  Try keep a level head and not get to emotional, a very hard thing to try and do.

All the best

ILG
Confessed - I am about to give you the best advice you can get. It sound like you have had a really rough time of it. I am really sorry to hear that you havent been able to work things out. But, if you take no other piece of advice from anyone on this site, take this one…no matter how hard it is (and it will be bloody hard!) please try and be as civil and reasonable as you can be to your ex. Because she may be your ex but she is still your children's mother. The level of bitterness and misogyny I see from men on this site is alarming. I worry about their children and the damage their anger has done to them. Be the adult - no matter what - and put your children first. They will thank you for it in the end. Dont be tainted by the bitterness of many on this site. Good luck with it all.
jamalu said
 The level of bitterness and misogyny I see from men on this site is alarming. Dont be tainted by the bitterness of many on this site.

Jamalu, Let me guess you are a female? I say that as most of us women do get things stacked in our favour in the court process so unless you have had some really unfair ,heartwrenching, biased decisions made against you, then you really have no right to judge and your comments are unfair!(IN MY OPINION)

I have sat in many cases where I have said silence thanks that I am the mother and not one of the poor fathers who have had their children taken away. One last week had not seen his 12 year old child in a year and the expert reports had just come back in his favour saying what a strong bond the child still felt towards him despite this and recommending time to be reinstated immediately. …. Cold comfort I would expect for the father AND as it happened still not the end as the mother was objecting to the report!! Would you be a bit upset if something like this happened to you?

I have found this site and the people on it very encouraging and supportive.If it is that bad then maybe you should find another site……oh thats right there is none that compair to this one!
I agree with BeautifulDay. My husband only sees his son during school holidays because he didn't take the ex to court when she moved 900km away to take up residence with a man she had started dating. He did not want his son to go through the trauma of a court battle.

As the situation stands at the moment, the mother has initiated the court action. She wants to reduce the time spent together even further and have six months between visits. And no option of any contact in between times other than phone calls. And has had the temerity to say that she wants no physical contact until court orders are signed.

The people on this site and the site are very helpful, and are concerned about what is in the best interest of the child regardless.

My husband has been nothing but civil to his ex and all she can do is frustrate his contact, and yes, she does yell obscenities at him and me, and all in front of the child. So if it is good enough for one parent to be civil, then how come the other one doesn't have to be?????????
Yep. Female. Guilty as charged!

Actually, I have been on both sides of the fence. My ex was granted custody (As it was called back then) from his ex of two of their children. Not only did I go through the process with him but I did all of the legal work (affidavits, research, etc, etc) The children were 2 and 7 at the time. They lived with us for 7 years and I raised them as my own. In fact, I was the primary care giver. Then, when our relationship broke down, he effectively "gave them back" to their mother. I havent seen them for 7 years. My child doesnt get to see them either. I think every case is different. And the courts arent perfect. But you cant make gross generalisations. Not about men, not about women, not about the courts. That's what I object to. There are A**hole parents of both genders. And there are good parents of both genders. Let's just be rational and fair and not tar everyone with the same brush.

And, I have had some decisions go contrary to my wishes. Trust me.
Regardless of who comments what on this site, there is the law and 1 person ruling at the end of the day. In the absence of abuse, then Shared Parental Responsibility and Shared Care (or substantial time)  would be the outcome of kiddies that age. So people can carry on about whats fair and whats not but thats expectation and thats what separating parents will face.  

In regards to houses and finances, courts will rule on a fair and equitable outcome and I think its unlikely to expect that confessed's ex would simple submit to him asking her to move out. My point? TRY to come to a fair an equitable arrangement in regards to both kids and house. You will sleep alot better at night knowing that karma isnt waiting around the corner to bite you on the bu**. I know it sucks that she cheated on you, but you need to focus on the future and revenge tactics will only drag you under.

Good luck!
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