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Is it possible to legally break all associations to your mother e.g erasing her name from birth certificate????

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Hi,

i realise that this topic might be a bit odd, but for anyone that has grown up with bad mothers knows exactly what im going through,
i'm 24 years old and for the last9 years have had a very strained relationship with my mother until in about 2006, i completely broke ties with her and havent spoken to her since
Throughout my childhood i've been molested, beaten, mentally abused, raped, degraded etc, and having my mother being related to me makes me sick on a daily basis, i feel
the need to legally break ties with her as if to erase her from my life, i am a mother myself and being a great mother only confuses me more into how she could treat her kids the way she has. i have seen therapists in order to try and move on but its difficult knowing that she is still legally connected to me.
i urgently need to find this information as to how i can do this so any help would be greatly appreciated.
thanks
amanda
Wow Amanda, what a very difficult situation. I am not sure that it is possible to erase all connections from you mother. I see what you are asking and why you are asking it, but your birth certificate forms part of an official record. While on paper she may be connected to you, in yourself you can know that you are your own person, and you and your childrens achievements are a product of you alone. 

Executive Member of SRL-Resources, the Family Law People on the site (Look for the Avatars).   Be mindful what you post in the public areas
Hi Amanda,
I agree with LP, and think there was a matter some years ago where the son divorced his parents, maybe LP has a better memory of the case, I am thinking of. I think he was about 15 not 24 thou.

If you have got married then your name has changed and is the greatest removal from your mother as your name sake you could have in my view.

The other way, I can think of is; that you can change your name by dipole if you have not got married.
You need to accept, unless you were adopted, your mother is your mother and maybe your best cure is to have your mother attend mediation with you where she can say SORRY to you which would allow you to forgive her.

Yes, forgiveness is not what you are thinking is what you want but forgiveness, as a great mother, is one of your strongest gifts you give to those who do you wrongs and is what allows you to be the good person you are.

May I ask you to think about how often you forgive your child for their wrong doings, it does not mean you forget, but if you can find some way to forgive her what she allowed to happen and did herself, might be a start point for you to start moving forward.
Sorry I can only offer you my sympathy and :hug: but as a parent I seek you continue in your good parenting and do not allow your child or children to feel the harm you have.       
thx so much i really aprreciate the time you both have taken, i understand what your saying and i know that not forgiving someone just makes your life harder not the other person, but i also think there is a point of no return when your heart and soul just says no!!. Do either of you know much about emancipation? Even though i am an adult, legally there would be no kinship or anything from this point onwards right?
I can't give you any advice about the laws as I'm afraid I do not have that knowledge and LP and Justin have pretty much offered the thoughts I have too.  I am so sorry for your pain and just wanted to add that I understand (not through experiencing what you have but more so conceptually) where you are coming from and how sometimes what is written on a piece of paper (here your birth certificate) can become a significant catalyst for the prolonged pain of something that just won't go away (and never will).   

I know this doesn't help much at the moment but as I see it, you have already proven your own strength.  You have lived through horrible experiences, survived it all and even gone on to rise completely above it (which could not be easy) by becoming the best mother you can be in spite of the way you yourself were raised.  You should be very proud of yourself!!!

What is written alongside maternal mother on your birth certificate does not mean much at all (we all know that sperm or an egg does not mean parent…they are very different things) and blood relation or not, unless you want it to be it will never be who you are, so don't let something out of your control go on to damage the things you have already achieved as an adult and parent yourself.  Removing her name will never sever the ties between you and her, how can it, regardless if she appears on the birth certificate or not you will always know yourself that she is your mother (even if to you it is by name alone) and this will never make up for what she did to you or remove your memories of what happened or your pain.

You are entitled to heal for you and your family and as Justin suggested, to me too the first step to doing this is to forgive that person (that doesn't mean to forget or reunite etc) forgiving her for her faults (as horrible as they are) might help you release some of the negative energy that you are currently carrying around on your own and help liberate yourself further from your past.

Good Luck with everything!! :)

"Never, "for the sake of peace and quiet," deny your own experience or convictions". Dag Hammarskjold
I needed help with my case and couldn't afford a lawyer and found these guys invaluable  srl-resources.org
Hi Amanda,

Can I suggest you look through this site at this forum I have given you a link for. It is called behaviour management and contains a lot of material you might find interesting. No I have not read much of what I am asking you too but Sage, if I remember correctly, is a psych of some standing and I have often agreed with his words of the old owl.

http://flwg.com.au/for…p&keep_session=1882061925

This is the topic for forgiveness.

http://flwg.com.au/for…0&keep_session=1882061925

Can I further suggest you consider you hate your mothers behaviour and not your mother.

To hate your mother and not her behaviour causes you to put wall up that prevents you showing one of your greatest gifts as a mother, the gift of forgiveness.

It has also been said to me, this wall can cause you to subconsciously hate a part of you being the part the part that was there at the time of these wrongful things, hence you could carry so guilt for being there when those things were done.
I'm sure you did not want or do those things because you wanted to but because you were forced to be there, therefore none of it is your fault and you should not have an underling feeling of guilty.

Yes, easier said than done I agree and please don't be offended by anything I have said, I am only guessing here and what I am saying is for general thinking only.

You might find Sage could answer a whisper from you if he is around.   

Good luck and have a lovely day,

Justin   
Hello Amanda,
                  I am a father who raises a child (now mid teens) that was sexually abused and tortured by her mother. In your post you did not mention who it was that abused you but at the very least society expects that children can have ultimate trust in their parents and that the parents protect children from abuse.

I myself have separated their mothers behaviour from who she is when talking about her when the kids raise an issue about the past. I have done this as it is best for them so that they do not have to try to understand the complexities of their mothers behaviours while they are children.

The truth is that personally I find their mothers behaviour disgusting and horrifying in the extreme.

If all here were to draw a line in the sand to separate what is acceptable parenting from unacceptable parenting then I would guess that your mothers behaviour falls to the unacceptable side of everyone's line.

As you are a young parent and given the past, I don't think that it is right for others to expect you to forgive your mother. You have a lot on your hands and I think you should focus on your own challenges rather than trying to appease those (including myself) who are never really going to fully understand how this all has effected you.

If you find the peace of heart in future and you wish to forgive your mother than fine. We tell abused children that it is not their fault and that they should not feel guilty about those events so I believe that it is wrong for anyone to have expectations of you.

In my daughters case, I believe that when she is a young adult she will need to seek further counselling. When it really sets in that what her mother did is truly horrific then I think she will need some assistance as an adult to help her with her adult understanding of the situation just as earlier counselling has helped with her childhood understanding of past events.

Talking to friends may help but can you truly trust that they wont repeat anything you have said and in any case, can you truly expect that they will understand how you feel. Honestly, the general public have not a clue about your situation and people like myself only have a moderate and limited understanding. Therapists and counsellors are you best help.

I sense a little anger in you and I can't at all blame you for that. They say that anger is often the last stage as past events resolve.

What ever the motivation or need that you are expressing, I hope that you can find a way to have that need settled. It may be that you need to find an alternate path to achieve your desired place in life.

You may or may not be able to cleanse yourself of your mothers name but there may be alternatives such as AVO, peace and good behaviour bonds, deedpole. If your mother committed a criminal offence you may turn to the courts. The courts may be far too much of a emotional burden right now.

Those of us here mean well and care for you however I believe some professional assistance would be best.

Just so you know, my daughter is now an emotionally well balanced teenager and is doing well at school. She enjoys life just like any other kid.

I do however think she would also benefit from some professional assistance when she examines the true horror of her past experiences from an adult perspective.
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