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Could someone please offer some insight...

Hi,

I have a protection order with mandatory conditions, I have had others throughout the duration of the 10 year marriage.
  
My estranged husband has been physically violent as well as verbally abusive towards me in front of the children on numerous occassions.(No Injuries)

He also assaulted our son twice(kicking him ond slapping him repeatedly until he was doubled over in pain and dragging him downstairs and accross a footpath by the arm screaming). He was 9 years old at the time.  I left him soon after the assault on our son.  I didn't report the assaults to the police and there were no broken bones or bruising.

Since separation he has spent time with the children supervised with myself present as the eldest child is petrified of his father.  He took the children for two overnights at the reccommendation of a marriage councellor.  The children came home from the visits un-bathed, dirty in the same clothes they left in.  And told me their father got himself takeaway for dinner whilst he left the children at home by themselves (ages 3,7,10).  He then has his own dinner and went to bed without feeding the children.  The eldest made 2 minute noodles for them all.

He has had drug and alcohol issues throughout the 10 years.  He admitted post separation to a drinking problem and started seeing a psychologist for a short period of time. He also made a suicide threat that I reported to the police.

Post separation he physically assaulted both of my parents in front of the children and is being tried on criminal assault charges and one count of breeching a DVO.  There is a history of mental illness in his family. I suspect he is Borderline Personality Disorder.
Since separation he has been the most vindictive and unstable I have ever seen.

He is having no contact with the children at the moment because he is subject to bail conditions of no contact with me or my family.
He has started going to the childrens schools and daycare and threatened to take the children as well as become hostile and aggressive to the staff who have made a formal complaint to the police because the staff felt threatned and unsafe as he was driving around the daycare center on 3 separate occassions.

He scares the living daylights out of me!
What sort of arrangements should I be pushing for the best interests of the children?

Thanking you in advance for some advice.

What sort of reply would you like? Any individual can see this is not parenting. Its not appropriate to leave three children at home by themselves (Ages 3,7,10) and then not getting them dinner. I find it hard to believe actually, although I suppose nothing suprises me anymore. Certainly professional interventions are required. The SPCA cannot offer any real guidance here and professionals such as "Sage" should be sought out on the site and contacted.


Executive Secretary - Shared Parenting Council of Australia
 Was my post helpful? If so, please let others know about the FamilyLawWebGuide whenever you see the opportunity
 
Supervised visits at a contact centre at the most for the other parent as the above actions are not parenting.
Supervised contact is what I am pushing for with drug testing, post separation parenting program and an anger management course. I would also like to ask for a psych evaluation but as I know personality disorders are difficult to diagnose, I'm concerned one may come back smelling of roses and then he may get 50/50 or something crazy! My lawyer is advising me to give him the children every second weekend from Friday to Monday. It is her advice that if he takes the matter to court, he will most likely get more time with the children, because I don't have evidence of child abuse except for myself and the child as witnesses.  My lawyer also advised that his lawyer will use the line of I have made up the abuse and our son has been alienated and is being coached to make allegations of abuse. She also said when the custody battle is over borderlines generally drop off and dont see the kids.
It's a really stuffed up situation and it's the reason I didn't leave earlier, because I am scared he will get unsupervised time with the children.
Hi

Firstly, if thats your real name, Id strongly recommend asking the Admins to change it as it can be Google-able and you dont really want the ex partner/lawyer being privy to whats being said on here. Secondly, you did the right thing in leaving. I know its a hard decision to leave, especially when the other partner is violent. I stayed for the same reason you did, so I understand the mentality behind it even though it may not make the most perfect sense.

It can be very confronting leaving your violent partner and then entering the Family Law system especially when you have the notion of Unsupervised 50/50 care or even substantial care. You just want your lawyer to take care of it and I guess when he/she brings up what a court with likely do, it can question what you believe to be fundamentally right for your kids. The thing to keep in mind is that every Family Law case is different and your ex sounds like a really bad parent who really should have Supervised Time in a Contact Centre. Your eldest is nearly at that age where he can decide for himself what sort of relationship he wants to have with his Father.

In dealing with Lawyers, I always had to keep in mind that they do like to play the Devils Advocate because a swift resolution/settlement is the ideal  this can come across as them not being on your side. As their Client, you need to keep your Lawyer on track with your wishes as they are your representative. This is hard especially given that your defences are down and right now just want your lawyer to stand up to someone whos bullied your kids and yourself. My advice is to really communicate your wishes and be steadfast in upholding them. Compromise is fine, just as long as youre not compromising anyones safety.

Lastly, if your Lawyer is really not understanding where youre coming from, find a new one. Youre paying them hundreds of dollars per hour and they need to be your Legal Defence.

Good Luck with it all!
Could you please advise how to contact "Sage"?
A lot of men get upset over breakups. He sounds interested in his kids enough to "drive around the daycare centre". And you did say you did not end up with any injuries from your arguments. Perhaps you could pack the kids a lunch or dinner next time. Maybe the kids prefer noodles. Have you asked if he has any relatives to help out during the kids stay over, or have you complained that you don't like his relatives? You know, a lot of kids come back grubby from hanging out with dad, especially after fun football, going to the beach, going for bike rides. Maybe he let them grubby on purpose just to give you something to do. A bit of dirt never hurt no kid, but missing out on a dad for no reason will hurt them. This post is from a woman, by the way.
Olivia_Banberry said
Could you please advise how to contact "Sage"?


When logged on, click on Personal Topics and then click on Add Topic and ensure that you enter Sage (or whoever the individual recipient is) in the To input field. Compose your message, click on Preview. If all is OK then click on the Add Topic button that appears next to the Preview button.
Thanks Mike!

Struggling to believe Olivia's post isn't a troll

I struggle to believe Olivia's (if that is really her name) post isn't an anti-father troll.

She starts, as do so many other 'women' on this site, with an introductory rant (mantra) about a supposed bad man, designed both to denigrate him (and other separated fathers) and portray her as a 'victim' and to thus be worthy of the reader's sympathy (designed to get the reader on her side).

Of important note is that this mantra is not necessary to what follows in Olivia's post.

What follows, in her 'report', is fantasy and not believable.

It is disappointing to see this site (resource) abused by anti-father man-haters.
I forgot to add the father has a daily crystal meth habit and has had for the last 1.5 years.  Unfortunatly  for some of us, there are genuine concerns and not just petty things to worry about!
What a load of codswallop. "I forgot to mention the daily crystal meth addiction" after the Guest bragging self-confession. Unfortunately such troll fantasy damages the creditability and makes it more difficult for those genuinely abused mothers it purports to support.

I apologise if I am wrong but it seems the only benefit of this "How to remove the Father" post might be to point out the flaws lest one is confronted with such contrived nonsense in affidavit.

The first and most important defence against this hearsay case is the family report to evaluate the mental health of the accuser. Paranoid, histrionic, malicious personalities thrive in the vindication of an overprotective family court. Supervised contact after 10 years of marriage is a good indicator.

Olivia_Banberry said
Hi,

I have a protection order with mandatory conditions, I have had others throughout the duration of the 10 year marriage. Importantly she stayed in this relationship, i.e. it became abusive retrospectively in the process of seeking sole custody.
  
My estranged husband has been physically violent as well as verbally abusive towards me in front of the children on numerous occassions.(No Injuries) & No corroborating witnesses. No school or expert evidence of any behavioural or other adverse effects on children of her abuse

He also assaulted our son twice(kicking him ond slapping him repeatedly until he was doubled over in pain and dragging him downstairs and accross a footpath by the arm screaming). He was 9 years old at the time.  I left him soon after the assault on our son.  I didn't report the assaults to the police and there were no broken bones or bruising. Not reporting makes her complicit in the alleged assault? Of course there is no medical or police evidence.

Since separation he has spent time with the children supervised with myself present as the eldest child is petrified of his father. [i.e. The Mother did a DV runner, imposes the control and humiliation of supervised contact, the Father now has to prove himself a parent after 10 years]  He took the children for two overnights at the reccommendation of a marriage councellor. [Clearly the professional does not consider the Father a risk] The children came home from the visits un-bathed, dirty in the same clothes they left in.  And told me their father got himself takeaway for dinner whilst he left the children at home by themselves (ages 3,7,10).  He then has his own dinner and went to bed without feeding the children.  The eldest made 2 minute noodles for them all. Hearsay.

He has had drug and alcohol issues throughout the 10 years.  He admitted post separation to a drinking problem and started seeing a psychologist for a short period of time. He also made a suicide threat that I reported to the police.The court will appreciate such empathetic support for the rehabilitation of the Father of your children.

Post separation he physically assaulted both of my parents in front of the children and is being tried on criminal assault charges and one count of breeching a DVO.  There is a history of mental illness in his family. I suspect he is Borderline Personality Disorder. This raises the problem of police being used to arbitrarily determine custody. DVOs were relegated to secondary consideration with conditions that they were contested. This seems to have been circumvented by adding criminal charges (anything will do) by default. Presumably there will be no effort to withdraw or reduce the charges  just grind him further into self-destruction and financial ruin.
Since separation he has been the most vindictive and unstable I have ever seen. I wonder why?

He is having no contact with the children at the moment because he is subject to bail conditions of no contact with me or my family.
He has started going to the childrens schools and daycare and threatened to take the children as well as become hostile and aggressive to the staff who have made a formal complaint to the police because the staff felt threatned and unsafe as he was driving around the daycare center on 3 separate occassions.
The Mother works but refuses to allow the other available parent that time with the children.

He scares the living daylights out of me!
What sort of arrangements should I be pushing for the best interests of the children?
Perhaps you can set up a police shooting or change the childrens name and go into witness protection at our expense.

Thanking you in advance for some advice.



I find it astounding that someone could forget to mention a crystal meth habit and only remember it after someone questions the objective of the post.

This is similar to allegations of abuse remembered after interim contact orders are made and used to deny contact and of course at the next  date the judge errs on the side of caution and denies contact leading to applicant seeking contact being denied contact until a final outcome which rules allegations were false but no contact as children have no relationship with applicant due to no contact for significant time IE during court case.

during this time children's only contact with applicant has been in 20 minute session in court childcare whilst family reporter observes applicants relationship with child whilst respondent is hiding in an interview room in the building as  they have claimed they are scared of the applicant due to a long history of family violence never mentioned previously.

thats my rant

You can fool some of the people some of the time but you cant fool all of the people all of  the time unless they work for CSA and youre a Payee:)
Leroy, know the feeling well.
srldad101 said
What a load of codswallop. "I forgot to mention the daily crystal meth addiction" after the Guest bragging self-confession. Unfortunately such troll fantasy damages the creditability and makes it more difficult for those genuinely abused mothers it purports to support.

I apologise if I am wrong but it seems the only benefit of this "How to remove the Father" post might be to point out the flaws lest one is confronted with such contrived nonsense in affidavit.

The first and most important defence against this hearsay case is the family report to evaluate the mental health of the accuser. Paranoid, histrionic, malicious personalities thrive in the vindication of an overprotective family court. Supervised contact after 10 years of marriage is a good indicator.

Olivia_Banberry said
Since separation he has spent time with the children supervised with myself present as the eldest child is petrified of his father. [i.e. The Mother did a DV runner, imposes the control and humiliation of supervised contact, the Father now has to prove himself a parent after 10 years]  He took the children for two overnights at the reccommendation of a marriage councellor. [Clearly the professional does not consider the Father a risk] The children came home from the visits un-bathed, dirty in the same clothes they left in.  And told me their father got himself takeaway for dinner whilst he left the children at home by themselves (ages 3,7,10).  He then has his own dinner and went to bed without feeding the children.  The eldest made 2 minute noodles for them all. Hearsay.


 
 

Children's words are the exception to the hearsay rule.

Guest SW

Gosh, I just did a google search for crystal meth and family law and came across these postings. I have a similar problem as Olivia.

I understand why some of the later posts feel incredulus - but dont be too hasty to judge. Until I did some serious web research on crystal meth I had no idea it was so prevalant, evil and addictive. My other half hid it as much as possible, although I did find some paraphinalia around the place - but when I confronted him he said it was only a little and that he was stopping. I didnt want to be seen as a prude (we had both experimented together many years ago) and said well as long as you do now/ very soon - and took away the stuff I found. Anyway, he apparently kept using and the situation got bad (lots of verbal abuse some violence towards me - not the child - no injuries….). I only really realised he had kept using after we split as he hid it well (and after he confessed in details to a friend). I though I had a marriage problem, not a partner drug problem - I think I had both now. I know this may sound like some sort of retrospective make-up - but its not. It has been a discovery and realisation of what went on now that I am out of the situation. I want him to have drug testing and rehab and then 2 -3 days/nights unsupervised access per week. We are soon to have an interim decision.

Maybe Olivia doesnt yet realise but crystal meth is probably causing all the relationship and fathering issues - if she has suspected that he has had a habit for 1.5 yrs it has probably been far longer. I agree I would hope that she is more descriptive/accurate in any affidavit on these specifics than in the short message she wrote too.

I also stayed for as long a feasible in the relationship as I didn't want our daughter to come from a broken marriage and though I could become so 'good' I could make it work.

We went to marriage councelling for the one hr per week and would not rely on that to say that the father is drug free.

Anyway, I can see it is very frustrating to many fathers/mothers to be unfairly accused (I have had some untrue dirt thrown at me) but sometimes a situation that sounds like some TV horror story actually is… and yes until you start writing affidavits and realising the appropriate way to do them (i.e. accurate, no assumptions, exaggerations) you can make mistakes (in a legal sence and in accuracy as you are emotional and make assumptions) when describing the situation to other people.

best wishes
If the father is using crystal meth then that's not good at all. Meth doesn't necessarily make people unfit parents but it usually does. I now because used used to smoke it.

Meth can cause users to become violent - but not always. It depends on their childhood and issues experiences. They become unpredictable. Extremely selfish and rationalise actions that any reasonable person would not defend.

I would not be surprise if father ate whilst feeding the children noodles.

We people use meth, they behave like they did when they were 6-7 years old.

The worst aspect of using meth is the people you associate with, who you purchase drugs off, other users, etc. The whole meth culture is really tragic.

Speaking from experience my opinion is this.

Until such time as the father has adequately addressed his meth habit, no contact with the children except through a Contact Centre.

I'd be seeking interim orders only. After a 1 year the matter would return for hearing and the fathers progress with meth rehab, review of drug testing results, review of counselling reports etc.

Drug testing should not be relied upon as proof that the father is not using. He must attend upon a drug counsellor every fortnight for at least 6 months - probably a year. The counsellor must be able to schedule sessions randomly. An experienced drug counsellor will pick up if the father is using drugs more reliably than drug testing, with the exception the testing using hair.

Drug testing using hair is expense. I believe its about $170 per test per drug.

With respect the DVO, would this not prevent him from coming into proximity with the children at the caycare centre?

As for his alleged Borderline PD - his behaviour whilst taking meth is not a reliable indicator of any underlining personality/mental health issues.

4MYDAUGHTER

ENTIRELY BELIEVABLE

What Olivia is describing is a very believable account of how meth users act. My daughters ex partner sounds like he could be the same person.

Why would she stay in the relationship? you ask, because addicts are adept at hiding their usage and often because you want to believe things will change.

It is my experience (and I only have this one person to base this on) the usage increases and clean periods never last long.

These people have no idea of responsibility and not feeding, bathing children etc is quite on the cards. My ex son in law had been known to wet himself and not know or care.
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