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Trying to understand if I can & should seek child support

Conceived a child during an affair.  Child is now 8months old
Husband, who is named as father on the birth certificate, is committed to raising child (2nd child in family) as his own however would like me to pursue child support as he feels that other man should take some responsibility.  We have confirmed that husband is not father via a DNA test.  In an apology letter to them I expressed my desire that we put the best interests of the child first and find a way to ensure that she grows up with a strong sense of self and worth knowing that she has two fathers who love her.  I did not make any demands as to contact just left our door open and told them of a flickr account where they could acccess photos of the little girl as she grows up.  Child support was not mentioned in this letter.

Other man & his wife (who is 16weeks pregnant) have been informed by letter of the result (although other man is well aware that he was extremely probably to have been the father from when I was 2 weeks pregnant) and have asked us to leave them alone so that they can heal and rebuild their marriage.  They have said in their letter that if they heal they may reconsider their position in 18mths.  Then they contradict themselves and say that when child is ready and she wants to contact them they will be happy to welcome her into their homes after they have met with us and a DNA test conducted at that stage.

The other complexity is that other married is a UK citizen and when marrying in April 2010 went onto a spousal visa which I believe lasts for two years and then he can become resident.

Really need some advice here and thoughts from anyone in a similiar situation.  Want to avoid acrimonious situation as much as possible.
From a child support perspective, If your Husband is named on the Birth Certificate then he is the one with Parental Responsibility (along with yourself), therefore, currently the Child's Father is not legally obligated to pay anything unless the Child's Birth Certificate is amended (with the supporting DNA evidence)


if your hubby was as committed to raising the child 'as his own' with himself as the father(as would be assumed by him signing the birth cert before knowing for sure he was/was not the father) than with that comes financial responsibility for the child.
 You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Thanks

I guess we now have to decide whether to go down the route of changing birth certificate, DNA etc.  And weigh up whether it is worth it - not that concerned re monetary more from ensuring my husband feels that other man is held accountable, the child feeling that her bio father contributed to her life somehow etc.

Still completely confused and would love any comments whatever your viewpoint.  Particularly from people who have a similar situation - whichever side they're on.

Thanks again
to be honest it sounds as if your husband is more concerned with 'making him(the other man) pay' for the affair rather than it actually being about claiming child support for the baby.

If you really just want to ensure that the child feels her bio father has contributed to her life then its doesnt HAVE to be financially- leave the door open to them- if they want to see the child then allow them to let them know the option is always there and that way let them contribute but if its just about the making him pay for the child then that's shows the child very little- other than he was forced by the commonwealth to pay to financially support her.
One question- how will your hubby feel/react if the child were to live with the other family half the time and spend bdays etc… with the other father? is he likely to be upset in some way by her having another daddy?

Sorry to say this but it does not appear to me that your husband fully accepts the little girl.
To be a daddy is to fully accept the child and all responsibilities. To share is to help financially, but also to allow the little girl to spend substancial time with her other family.
It is not right to want one way only.
I have 2 sons and one is adopted, I am his mum and his dad is his dad, not the DNA donors. Yes he does know his birth mum, but she does not support him now or previously as he is our son (from the heart).

Still undecided

I think you're right Jayden in that my husband does want the other man to "pay" for the affair (he was my husband's best friend and he feels very betrayed) but I do believe that he loves our little girl is trying to put her best interests at heart as well.

Everyones emotions are still very raw in all of this but I know on my side that I feel comfortable with my daughter spending time with her biological father and his wife.  I don't "own" her and she is such a joy that if they would like her to enrich their lives then I am happy for that to happen.

I agree kalimnadancer that the parents who raise, feed and support a child are her parents regardless of DNA, but I also believe that if she has a chance to have a broader group of people who cherish her then that is also great.  Both my husband and I are adopted and whilst we adore our parents we have also always felt slight outsiders in family gatherings and lacking a certain degree of identity.

But all of my comments really relate to a personal relationship (which cannot be forced if they're not interested) and not a financial one.  At the end of the day financially what would be ideal is for biological father to set up a fund that she can access on her 18th (my husbands thought with child support would be that we would let the $ accumulate for her 18th anyway) but highly doubt this will occur.

Anyway sorry got a little offtrack.  Thanks again everyone for your feedback - appreciate it.  I was hoping that someone in a similar situation might read and give their thoughts but not as yet.
could you please clarify?

You want the Bio dad to pay child support which you will put in a trust fund for the child when they are 18 and you also wish for the bio dad to do the same?

I'm struggling to understand the motivation behind this If this all goes to plan you can say see he did give money but i saved it all for you because non bio dad and I are so wonderful

if bio dad pays child support but doesnt do trust account  you can say see how wonderful non bio dad is compared to bio dad

if bio dad does neither you can say see how wonderful non bio dad is he payed for you and bio dad did not

If you really want bio dad to be part of the childs life forget about the money and give him and his partner time  hammering him with requests for money  will only be harmful to his relationship and will lead him to resent the child

You may need to consider that it may be best for the child and bio dad to form a relationship in a few yrs time rather than force it.

I've noted you mainly refer to non bio dads wants - you do not at any time metion whether you are supporting this view simply because it will mean bio dad is still within reach for you if your relationship with non bio dad sours. have you considered all the implications eg what if bio dad wanted  50 50 care , what if something were to happen to you and bio dad wanted sole care and responsibility?

In my view I would suggest you let things cool down for a few months

thats my 2 cents worth

You can fool some of the people some of the time but you cant fool all of the people all of  the time unless they work for CSA and youre a Payee:)
Can't really say we had the same situation, but from what you have said, deepsigh, the bio father has asked to leave him and his pregnant wife alone to heal their marriage. They might reconsider their position in 18 months. Doesn't sound that promising to me, to be honest….

I can comment on becoming a father without consent. I think I am right to assume that this pregnancy wasn't planned and that bio father had no say in the decision to have the baby. Personally I have mixed feelings about termination, but it is a choice and an option. It is very possible that bio dad resents you for your decision and "forcing" him to play his part. From my experience this resentment or indifference can apply to the child as well. I am being very careful with my wording because us Mums cannot understand why Dad would not love the child the way we do. I have a bit of an idea now that I have seen what a woman can do to a man by making such a significant decision that will affect him and connect her to him for the rest of their lives, without having been asked for his "permission" (for lack of a better word). Just ponder on how and what you would feel if you were in his shoes.

Having said that, I do hope for the best outcome for your family….
One has to question the motives of a woman who becomes accidentally pregnant in the 21st century and secretly keeps the child in particular in circumstances where she is in a married relationship and the paramour is now married and must remain so to reside in this country. It might be misconstrued as a desperate/ultimate act of control for the Mother to oblige the biological father to continue a relationship through child support while keeping the cuckolded husband in reserve.  This genuine financial dilemma seems to extend to informing the paternal grandparents in another thread. I hope I am wrong but this seems like a Mel Gibson shakedown.
What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?
Janejana
your H goes to counselling
You work on the marriage
You work on yourself
You read read read
And hope to get through it

Guest & Babushka
No not accidentally pregnant
He was well aware I was ovulating and we didn't use contracection
I had resigned myself to not having another child due to medical problems with H and was selfishly jumped at the chance to potentially have another child - yes wrong, misguided etc

All
Think I've convinced H not to pursue CS.  Would become ugly and delay any healing process.  H wants to be her father.

Thanks all for feedback.

Question - Can you claim child support from the Father of a child coceived as a result of an affair?
Answer - Yes, of course you can. His liability pertains to parentage not the status/morality of your reltionship. The Family Court Act 1975 = no fault jurisdiction so infidelities, betrayals etc are meaningless in the context of maintenance.
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