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Can I stop my ex parents-in-law from seeing my kids ?

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I am seeking someone can help me please.

I received a letter from my ex partner's mother asking if she could see my kids.

This might sound simple, but I split from my ex 6 years ago, and now due to finding out he was a heroin addict (I have never done drugs myself). He was not allowed to see my kids till he got himself clean but the mother could still see them as long as he wasn't there.

I found out after a while that he was going there when my kids were along at his mother's, so I stopped all access.

After 4 years of no contact I get this letter from his mother asking for contact.

My son is nearly 10 and says he wants nothing to do with them and my daughter is nearly 7 and has no clue who they are.

I have been with my new partner for 4 years and I'm due to have a baby in August.

This is really stressing me out. Can someone help please?
Hi happy mum,

Do you get along with her at all? If she has not respected your wishes in regard to seeing the father previously, then maybe trust needs to be built up between you and the grand mother… Baby steps. Maybe you could organise some activity where you are present at first or invite her to the children's extra curricular activities like dancing or swimming lessons or invite her to a school concert?

Why does your son not want to see her?

In my personal opinion I think it is important to try and include all family members in the children's lives (unless there is some reason why it is not in the children's best interests), maybe the grand mother is sorry and deserves another chance?
my son just wants nothing to do with them,due to seeing the way they go about there everday life he is embarrased by them! i can not trust her 1 bit due to her lyin to me in the past. anyway seen a solicitor today and was advised to make no contact with her as she has no rights what so ever! thanks 4 your comment.
happy mum said
anyway seen a solicitor today……..as she has no rights what so ever!
Strange advice from a solicitor! Were they a general solicitor or a Family Law specialist? She has every right to approach an FRC and then make an application to the Courts.

Initially the two main points of argument are whether there has been previous contact or not.


SRL-Resources. the Family Law People on this site (look for the Avatars) www.srl-resources.org  Non gender Professional and peer support for SRLs. Closed site, no public forums, no search engines, no lurkers, guests or the other side and their Lawyer and Friends.
yes it was a family law specialist,she can take me to court if she wishes but because there is no bond between her and my kids she wouldnt have a chance. also my son is at an age where he can make up his own mind now. my daughter is comin up 7 so her thoughts would be taking into consideration. i would not feel like my kids were safe in her care and i can refuse 4 her to see them and she would have to take me back to court.
Would it not be better for the kids to know a little of their grandmother. This could be even by allowing visits in your home or involvement in their activities as a watcher at sport or maybe a participant at school. You are lucky to have a grandparent who wants to see the children and they in turn will gain from experiences that only a grandparent can give.
Mistakes of the past can be forgiven and the future made different.
Yes the courts will see the non-participation, but may start time small and increase it with you having no control or may refuse the request. This will be a hard process for everyone.
In the end is it not better for the children to meet and make their own decisions about family as a child then wonder and seek the same family as an adult.
happy mum said
yes it was a family law specialist,she can take me to court if she wishes but because there is no bond between her and my kids she wouldnt have a chance.
To say someone would not have a chance is a very broad assumption. Perhaps you are making this on the basis of convincing yourself? You should read some of the recent Judgements on this site regarding Grandparents. They always have a 'chance'.
happy mum said
also my son is at an age where he can make up his own mind now. my daughter is comin up 7 so her thoughts would be taking into consideration.
At 10 his views would be taken into consideration but at 10 he cannot make up his own mind. There are numerous posts on this site about about when a child can vote with their feet. 10 years of age is not one of them.  A 7 year old is likely to follow your wishes rather than articulate her own.
happy mum said
 i would not feel like my kids were safe in her care and i can refuse 4 her to see them and she would have to take me back to court.
Correct us but what you are saying is that if a court did make orders you would not follow them?

You have not answered a basic question of whether the children have had any contact with her as this can influence a Court decision.


SRL-Resources. the Family Law People on this site (look for the Avatars) www.srl-resources.org  Non gender Professional and peer support for SRLs. Closed site, no public forums, no search engines, no lurkers, guests or the other side and their Lawyer and Friends.

Alienation & Alignment and Consequences

It sounds like you MAY BE alienating your kids from their grandparents.

This is sometimes called "parental alienation" or "extreme alignment".

It is very convenient to say that your 10 yo son wants nothing to do with the grandparents but you MAY have influenced his thinking here.

Perhaps the 7 yo daughter may be more appropriate to meet grandmother.

Discouraging the children having a relationship with grandparents is a little selfish. Perhaps supervised contact is the way to go?

You may regret not allowing this relationship, as the children may ask you some difficult questions in the future, especially if the grandmother drags you to an FRC and court on the basis of being a significant relative.

The courts may not have a problem granting her limited access on the proviso that you ex husband is not involved.

You basically have the risk that you children will grow up then seek their grandmother and the grandmother will say: "I would have loved to have seen you as kids but your Mum wouldn't allow it". Your kids may then view you in a negative way in this respect.

Be careful how you handle this as I have seen this situiation firsthand and the grown up kids (in years to come) feel manipulated.

Good luck and take care.
Thanks 2toeveryone for your replies.

We have came to an agreement.

Although my kids don't want to go I'm going along with them to reassure them.
I hope that you give everyone time to get to know each other and that the kids come to understand the love that you and their fathers mother have for them.

You have made a step in the right direction with sense prevailing.
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