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BPD and Narcissistic personality disorder drive International Parental Child Abduction

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Agressive, erratic behavior with false accusations of violence … usually this behavior can be explained by a personality disorder like BPD or Narcissistic personality disorder. I have a friend going through something similar with added evilness, as his ex just abducted their 4 children after she lost custody for psychological problems including a suspicion of Munchausen by proxy.This is in Italy.

When he filed for divorce she started false domestic violence claims against him. First saying he was violent with her, but when he started always bringing a witness when he had to see her, she switched to child abuse. Almost every time the children were with their father she would take them to the emergency room at the children's hospital and then to the police station to have them say their father had hurt them. All the charges were investigated and dismissed but the custody process was delayed by her lies.

After 2 years, the judge and court appointed psychologist realized she was not mentally well and gave sole custody to the father. The courts unfortunately did not request protected encounters between her and the children and when she could get all four together, she kidnapped them from Italy to Russia!

They are being kept hidden, do not attend school and she is not allowing any contact with the father nor anyone in the family, including her own mother. This is the height of narcissistic personality disorder. She only cares about herself and is not thinking of the damage she is causing to the poor children.

bringflorentinekidshome | Help abducted children come home
Argh, my heart hurts when I hear these raw stories…and double-argh, because I started to write a response paragraph by paragraph instead of reading your whole she-bang first.  I'm gonna post it in the order I wrote it (because I still think some of it's relevant), but I hope you understand I mean no harm or hurt to you or your buddy or your buddy's family:

1. BPD & NPD are rare…so rare or "borderline" that (afaik) the American DSM-5 project proposes to drop narcissistic personality disorder from the 2013 edition.  I've also mentioned in another post that Munchausen's By Proxy is so incredibly rare that my psych strongly advised me to never use the term, even inside my head.  Only rare specialists are qualified to make these diagnoses, and anyone else (including me and most prolly you) will instantly lose credibility in court.  Everyone has seen The Sixth Sense, but nearly none of us have the forensic or clinical experience to differentiate between divorce-stress craziness or true mental illness (especially MbProxy).  That's my Australian experience.  Can't comment on what you said about events in Italy, except to say: Hague Convention.

2. Sounds like you are close to the father we're talking about, and that you're a good person who cares a lot about your friend.  You need to keep in mind that domestic violence is very very complex and usually very private:
    i) Maybe your friend's ex-partner IS an unprovoked and vexatious minion of hell and maybe your friend is suffering innocently and maybe everything you've seen and been told is the unfettered truth;
    ii) Maybe…just maybe, you don't know 100% of what's truly went on behind closed doors that may have undermined this couple's mental health.
    iii) Regardless whether some stuff is true or some stuff is fat fibbs, please remember the kids are #1 and they love their mum and their dad, and they hurt when they hear anyone ragging out either parent.  No mouthing off or ranting in front of (any) children without a doctor's prescription, right?
    iv) I think you mis-wrote that bit "…every time the children were with their father she would take them t the emergency room…", coz they were with their dad, right?  You meant that you've been told that after every handover the ex nipped of to medical and police personal, hoping to hurt your friend through the system?  If that's the case be grateful because:
    v) You have been told the ex's allegations of abuse were taken seriously, investigated and dismissed.  This is great!  The system works!  If the ex was trying to cause trouble, she failed.

3. Court acknowledged the ex to be unwell, and you say sole custody went to dad. This should reassure you and your friend.  Sounds like the court has positive regard for your friend as a parent.

4.  Then you mention "…the courts unfortunately did not request protected encounters between her and the children and when she could get all four together, she kidnapped them from Italy to Russia!"  Ack! and Grrr!  (Mediators, please correct me if I'm wrong here.) =  It is not the courts' primary role to initiate special parenting conditions.  It is your friend and/or his lawyers who should have asked for the court to set in place protective conditions.  Hindsight is keen though.  I promised I've fluffed on major elements of my case, learning a few days later I should have done it very different, feh.  Also, if a parenting plan/court order isn't working out (or your family's life circumstances change), you can look into arranging a new plan/order.  There are clauses/conditions/requirements/etc that your friend can explore.

5. I'm so sorry for you and your friend that this ex has run away overseas and is hiding.  That's not fair on your friend, the kids or the extended family.  But it is not the "height of narcissistic personality disorder". NPD doesn't fit what you've described; plus NPD is still a disease, not an accusation.  Anyhoos, can I please ask you and your friend to look at it a slightly different way?  Please?  This bit from your post caught my eye, and I think it's important: you say the kids are being kept from school, and the ex is avoiding contact with everyone, even her own mum and the kids' dad.  That says a lot:
    i) She's hiding from everyone, even close family.  And she's got Italian and Russian family…so presumably family/culture probably means a lot.  She must be very frightened to hide from her own family.  Why is she frightened? …
    ii) The court has given your friend primary custody.  Again, the ex has Italian and Russian heritage, which may be important, or not.  She may ashamed to lose primary care of her kids.  She may be frightened that she'll lose real access to her kids…I'm a boring ole aussie with a true narcissistic aussie cultural personality (according to a non-aussie I know, ha), and I would be mortified if I thought I was being set up so I couldn't be with my kids.  Life would hurt and be a waste of metabolic processes.
    iii) You say the court has accepted she is not mentally well.  If that is true, then you know her analysis or decision making skills are off kilter, whether it is NPD or depression or anxiety disorder or something else.  This ex is a parent exhibiting fear and stress at the same time she has mental health issues…

…so please show mercy and look at it more gently:  the expartner loves these kids enough to take extreme steps to stay with them, but maybe isn't well enough to make distinguish between good or bad decisions.  Maybe if someone got both parents' trust, then arranged for a parenting plan…and maybe if I click my ruby heels together we'll all go home together! …

Sorry, that was an unkind way of saying I got nothing else for you.  Without knowing the full story (didn't read the blog, sorry, ran out of time), and being aware there may be mental health issues, I have no idea how you'd build trust in this situation.  More unkind advice:

6. HAGUE CONVENTION.  I have no experience here, but others do, and it's there for a reason.  If your friend can't do it any calmer way, and qualifies, why not lookiloo?

7. Did I write ALL THIS, then finally realise your case is entirely European, no Aussie crossover?  I feel dumb for feeding a troll instead of working on my case. :o
schmidty, you are right about the rareness of disorders like BPD & NPD. NPD along with 4 other personality disorders have been dropped from the DSM-5. It has caused a stir among professionals though.

It is bad what has happened in the OP, it's not right at all but I am not convinced those things usually occur because they are a result of either of those disorders.  
That subject is exactly what I am dealing with , though not as intensive as Alexia's friends experience. It still drains a person and you still have to be thinking two steps ahead all the time.
Tis a dysfunctional chest game upon a high wire with dire consequences if you move too fast or move too slow, one has to keep a balance.

My heart goes out to your friend.
Frenzy said
schmidty, you are right about the rareness of disorders like BPD & NPD. NPD along with 4 other personality disorders have been dropped from the DSM-5. It has caused a stir among professionals though.
Frenzy they are planning (or have - not sure on progress) to cut the number of categories of personality types because there is so much co-morbidity ( or cross over) between the current different types.  My understanding is not that they are saying they do not exist anymore, but that there is a better way of categorising and diagnosing them.  I don't understand all of the article because I am not a psychiatrist.

Considerable research has shown excessive co-occurrence among personality disorders diagnosed using the categorical system of the DSM (Oldham et al., 1992; Zimmerman et al., 2005).  In fact, most patients diagnosed with personality disorders meet criteria for more than one.  In addition, all of the personality disorder categories have arbitrary diagnostic thresholds, i.e., the number of criteria necessary for a diagnosis.  PD diagnoses have been shown in longitudinal follow-along studies to be significantly less stable over time than their definition in DSM-IV implies (e.g., Grilo et al., 2004). The reduction in the number of types is expected to reduce co-morbid PD diagnoses, the use of a dimensional rating of types recognizes that personality psychopathology occurs on continua, and the replacement of behavioral PD criteria with traits is anticipated to result in greater diagnostic stability.

Five specific PDs are being recommended for retention in DSM-V: borderline, antisocial/psychopathic (possibly with subtypes), schizotypal, avoidant, and obsessive-compulsive.  Borderline, antisocial/psychopathic, and schizotypal PDs have the most extensive empirical evidence of validity and clinical utility (e.g., Skodol et al., 2002a; 2002b; Patrick et al., 2009; Siever & Davis, 2004).

http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/RationaleforProposingFiveSpecificPersonalityDisorderTypes.aspx

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
My understanding is not that they are saying they do not exist anymore, but that there is a better way of categorising and diagnosing them.  I don't understand all of the article because I am not a psychiatrist.

Yes they are/were being removed as distinct disorders, as they often co-exist with conditions.

NPD only occurs in .5-1% of the general population, 75% affected are said to be males, BPD only effects 2% of the population, they a rare conditions, so I cannot see how they are usually responsible for the angst & torture that one party often inflicts on another in a relationship break down. The diagnosis of personalty disorders on the whole is pretty controversial though, misdiagnosis is an issue, as people who suffer other conditions or trauma are sometimes mis-diagnosed as suffering from an inherent defect in their personality, when it's not the case. Even the professional can get it wrong. 
frenzy said
NPD only occurs in .5-1% of the general population, 75% affected are said to be males, BPD only effects 2% of the population, they a rare conditions, so I cannot see how they are usually responsible for the angst & torture that one party often inflicts on another in a relationship break down. The diagnosis of personalty disorders on the whole is pretty controversial though, misdiagnosis is an issue, as people who suffer other conditions or trauma are sometimes mis-diagnosed as suffering from an inherent defect in their personality, when it's not the case. Even the professional can get it wrong. 
I don't know and can't comment on 'usually' as I don't have any statistics to back up anything other than my opinion.  However PD's may be rarely diagnosed and sometimes misdiagnosed but there are many more people with PD's who never ever receive a diagnosis.  Randi Kreger who write about BPD describes two sorts of people, high functioning and low functioning.  High functioning people rarely receive a diagnosis because they are just that - high functioning and do not self harm or attempt suicide and end up in a psychiatric hospital.  In addition it is the very traits of BPD that lead to few diagnoses, namely the inability of the person to see that there is something wrong.  People with BPD blame everyone else for everything that goes wrong in their life, they cannot see the consequences of their own behaviour and twist reality and even misremember reality so that they cannot be to blame.  If you tell them there is something wrong and they need help they will turn it round and tell you you are the one with the problem and you need to go to the Doctor.

I have read about this extensively, experienced it myself, and if you visted BPDfamily.com you would see that many people experience the same denial and refusal to believe they have a problem. So the actual prevelance of BPD in society can't really be ascertained.  And of course, all of this is often controversial and psychiatirsts to do not always agree with eachother.

But actually Frenzy, a diagnosis is irrelevant as it is the behaviours in the end that count.  I don't need a psychiatrist or judge to agree that my ex has 'something wrong with him'.  I know he has - a diagnosis just helps when you have to deal with others who do not see or believe you.  I stil have to deal with the terrible behaviours he exhibits to me and the children.  I don't really care what anyone else thinks or says - I am the one dealing with the fall out of behaviour that has all the hallmarks of a personality disorder.  There are many other's in my position too.  Having to deal with the behaviuors without a diagnosis. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
But actually Frenzy, a diagnosis is irrelevant as it is the behaviours in the end that count.
I was'nt saying the diagnosis is relevant. Nor was I saying that personality disorders don't exist. It's just the symptoms(behaviors) of many personality disorders can be a result of other mental health conditions or reasons. My ex fits a text book case of NPD, however he actually suffers from another mental illness , which is not a defect in personality (took shrinks years to find out what it truly was). Men, women can behave badly and display certain behaviors for a variety of reasons as well, it's fine that you think your ex has a personality disorder (he actually could) but that does not mean it is usually the case for others. One needs to keep in mind and acknowledge the possibly of differential reasons for similar behaviors or co morbid conditions, when labeling anyone.
larissap said
But actually Frenzy, a diagnosis is irrelevant as it is the behaviours in the end that count.  I don't need a psychiatrist or judge to agree that my ex has 'something wrong with him'.  I know he has - a diagnosis just helps when you have to deal with others who do not see or believe you.  I stil have to deal with the terrible behaviours he exhibits to me and the children.  I don't really care what anyone else thinks or says - I am the one dealing with the fall out of behaviour that has all the hallmarks of a personality disorder.  There are many other's in my position too.  Having to deal with the behaviuors without a diagnosis.
 
I think this is an important point you are making larissap. I always wonder if the people behaving badly merely hide behind any potential mental disorder they might have and use it to excuse their behavior. Essentially, nobody can force them to seek help and make changes in their behavior.

So I agree with you, if you are the one enduring the bad behavior it makes no difference whether there has been a diagnosis or not. The behavior is still unchanged.

Very disheartening….
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