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Hi everyone, I'm so glad I found this sight cause I'm about to lose my mind.

A couple of years ago my husband had an affair and literally walked out the door (after 10 years of marriage), leaving me and my two kids. We've only just gotton divorced in the last two months. He has the kids on the weekends and I during the week.

My problem is that I've never gotton answers to the questions that plague my mind, he doesn't think I have a right to know what went on during our marriage in respect to the affair. He's lied for the last 3 or 4 years with regard to her, insisting that they were not together even though they've been seen together and I have now found out that during the week they live together. Don't get me wrong I know he's entitled to do as he pleases with her, my probelm is that he's never come clean to me or I guess been held accountable for his actions. They also make judgemental comments about me that are so not true. My ex never cared about the kids while they were here, but now tries to be the perfect parent and acts like I don't want whats best for the kids.

I was doing fine and getting on with my life until last week he introduced her to our kids. I was livid and feel like I'm being replaced. i would have been better equiped to handle it if he'd had the decency to tell me his intentions instead of me hearing it from my kids. to hear the kids say how lovely she is makes me almost want to hurl. They won't know till there older that the reason he left was her.

Am I asking to much to know what happened? Or to know if he's planning on the kids staying with both of them before it happens?

I need an outsiders perspective on this as of course I think I'm justified but that's just me.

Can a father ever understand or love kids like a mother?

Thanks for listening to me rant. I look forward to hearing your views.
Yes a father can love a child the same as a mother.
The affair would have hurt and probably still does, but if he continues with this woman then it seems to reason that the children will meet her.
She may be a nice person and because your husband has never discussed her with you it makes it impossible for you to know how their relationship started. Now you need to deal with things as they are. Your husband will not discuss the relationship breakdown in the past and will probably not in the future either.
You need to put your feelings of hurt aside and work with him to allow the children to know you all and leave the children to make their own decisions and choices as they get to know everybody. You will probably never accept her, but for your childrens sake and your mental happiness you need your feelings to remain within you and not taint the relationship they have with their father.
This is very difficult but if appears your only option as your exhusband has kept her in his life.
You will never be replaced in your childrens eyes as you are their mother and have been and always will be.
I know how it is, and thanks for your comment, but what I'm asking is if I'm justified in asking those questions. Is it too much to ask for common courtesy from someone who you've spent half your life with? I know I probably will never get the answers, but that's not the point of my question.

As for her being a nice person, explain to me how someone who persues a married man can be in any way, shape or form decent or nice?

What ever happened to basic human decency?

I sympathise and understand

It is very sad to hear of your situation and the emotions that you are feeling.  It is not unusual, and I understand the fear you feel of losing your children to your "ex's happy little family unit".

Firstly, he should have told you that he was introducing the "floozy" into your children's lives.  Shame on him for not doing so.  I say this because although you may not have agreed on them meeting her, at least you would have had a chance to talk to the children before they met her.  We are not sure what goes through children's minds but it would have been comforting for them knowing when they were introduced that you knew of their relationship.  Tell your ex how you feel and tell him never to spring things on the children similar to that unless he talks to you first.  You are no longer married but important changes when your children are concerned should be discussed prior to the big "SURPRISE"

Unfortunately as far as the past with your "ex" and the "floozy", I have to say you don't need to know. I feel your hurt and know you have many unanswered questions but you are probably better off not knowing.  It won't change anything and if your suspicions are correct  any other info will probably make you feel worst than you do.

I had a similar situation myself once, not entirely the same but your posting reminded me of the emotion and tears I cried when my ex-husband met a young lady after we had separated. (quite some time after in my situation though)  She had children also and I began to feel that I was losing my children to my ex and her because it had created the so called "perfect family environment."

I had spent several years with a boyfriend and the relationship was going nowhere. All I wanted in life was to create a perfect family environment  for the sake of my children as I felt that this was the healthy way for their upbringing.  After all the years of being in this "Going nowhere relationship" I couldn't believe that my ex suddenly was in the "perfect happy relationship with a perfect step mummy for my children"  I felt replaced, but the emotions I had to unfortunately put aside because there was not much I could do about it.  I suppose in some ways I could have called it jealousy but I am sure as a mother it is a natural instinct that we should feel if we feel that we are being replaced.  After all, we have carried them, delivered them reared them and why should some little "floozy" come in and take over our role.

Fear of losing our children is also a natural feeling.  Not so much in my case because when they did visit it was only this but then I think, in our eyes it starts becoming a play off of all the lovely things the "ex and the floozy"  buy, do and give to the children.  It makes us upset that we can not afford to do this for the children because we support them the majority of the time.  Don't knock yourself around about it, and maybe if it starts getting you down sit down and talk to the children about it. (This is what I had to do with my children and  I was lucky enough that they understood the "real picture")

To keep your mind at peace it probably wouldn't hurt to get some parenting orders in place if you haven't done so.  At the moment it sounds as though you have a good arrangement so you should set it in place in case.  Don't be frightened but this will protect any allegations later on and if the arrangement goes pear shaped and the tug of war begins.

Keep your chin up and I am sure that the hurt will heal, and just remember that the children know who "mum" is and this will never change.  Yes "the floozy" might try and bend over backwards now but often this will change.

Stay strong!!
Hi

I too understand where you are coming from.  My ex cheated on me very badly and even got someone pregnant (with twins) although they were all short term flings for the sex and not affairs (affairs are probably harder to deal with).  I did end being told some of the 'story' and sometimes I wish I didn't know because it made it worst.  I agree that really you need to move on if you can.

What I did want to say is that you need to be careful that your children don't pick up how you feel about your ex's girlfriend.  My ex and his new girlfriend talk badly about me in front of my children and I know the kids are very uncomfortable with it.  I know that they are not comfortable talking to their dad about stuff.  I have remarried and the kids are very comfortable talking with my and their stepdad about their dad and his girlfriend though.  I actually told the children it is OK to like xxxx (Dad's girlfriend) and that I hope they do like her as they will be spending time with her.  (however much it hurt me to say it!).  My ex had said (when we were still talking) that our eldest is withdrawn when he is with him.  I told him it was because he felt uncomfortable and that he should give them permission to like their stepdad.  He has never done that.  Consequently I never hear my son use his stepfather's name with his dad.  Just says 'us' or talks about mum but even then not frequently.  Try not to let it get like that with your kids.  However hard it is for their sake don't let them know how you feel.  If you give them 'permission' to like her they will feel ok talking to you about stuff.  Otherwise they  just might not talk to you and you might not hear stuff you need to hear.

It is also hard when the ex and his girlfriend have all the money and act 'disney dad' and only get the good times with the kids, but I have been assured that as they get older they will understand and as adults they will certainly 'get it'.  It is just a long time to try and get through swallowing your hurt and grief and waiting!

Hope what I wrote makes sense!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
startingover78 said
Am I asking to much to know what happened? Or to know if he's planning on the kids staying with both of them before it happens?
I would stop asking. Trust me you don't want to know. I would suggest getting counselling. My ex husband had an affair and trust me the counselling is helpful. You don't need to know how long it went on for etc. The betrayal feels the same and the longer that affair went on for the stupider you'll feel, believe me. Get some counselling and this will help you work through these feelings and move on to having happier children.
startingover78 said
I need an outsiders perspective on this as of course I think I'm justified but that's just me.
You may feel justified, I am gathering that this is still all very raw and fresh, making it all the more difficult. Are you justified in being angry with him introducing the other woman to the kids so quickly? Certainly. That was unfair to the kids, especially if this is raw. You need to discuss this with your X if you are able to, explaining why that was not ok, and that the children deserve better than to have such an upheaval thrown in their faces like that.
startingover78 said
Can a father ever understand or love kids like a mother?
Yes, he most certainly can. I know right now you are heartbroken, but your kids deserve their father's love as much as they do yours. One day a fondness may even grow for the father's girlfriend from your children and unfortunately this is something you will have to come to accept. I know it's easier to hate this woman, but have you considered that she may not have know that he was married? I am not saying this would have happened the whole time, but there is a chance that he was lying to her too. So be mindful of that when referring to her as indecent.

If they are saying awful things about you in front of the children you need to bring this up with them, or him whichever you are comfortable with. You are their mother and your children deserve better than that.  Ask him how he would feel if you invited your girlfriends over and discussed in front of the children what a dog he is (of course you wouldn't because the kids don't deserve that), because that is exactly what they are doing.

I would definitely get counselling and maybe some for the children as there is a massive grieving process to go through here. I would also think about having orders put in place in regard to where the children are and when.  Maybe see if your ex would go through some post separation counselling, so the two of you can have a decent working relationship for the kids.  That's something to think about anyway.

I hope all goes well for you. I'm sorry you have had to go through this, it's so tough.

Hope your children are doing well too.
I hate to say this, but you have no control with who he allows the children to interact with when they are in his care. Just as he does not have control over your interactions.

As others have said, get counselling. It really sounds as though you still have not dealt with the break up, after all, it has already been a couple of years. And no, he is not required to give you answers. This would have been better dealt with at the time, not two plus years down the track. He does not need to be held accountable for his actions, as that is a long way in the past now.

And she may very well in deed be a lovely person. Don't hold that against her. You are their mother, and always will be. But if you continue down the path of trying to insist on answers from him, and trying to "rule" what he does when the children are with him, then you risk wrecking your relationship with your children, when, as they get older, they realise what you have done. If this is the same woman that he had the "affair" with, then you have known about her for a long time, and should have expected that at some stage the children would get introduced to her. It is up to the father to talk with them about new people in his life, not you. Just as it is up to you to talk about, with the children, people in your life. At some stage, you too, will, if you haven't already, find someone else. Will that person take over the father's role? Just as you are implying that this woman is.
I agree with the others, you have no control over what your ex does, when the children are with him and I personally don't think that you should have been informed about him introducing her to them, as what he does in his time, is his business.

As for blaming her, I know that is convenient, however, your ex also knew he was married, so he is just as much to blame as she is, if not more.

I really think you need some counselling to learn to let this go and move on with your life.
smurfergirl said
….I really think you need some counselling to learn to let this go and move on with your life.
I do not usually post in relation to matters outside the legal context, however at the risk of being told I am going "soft" I have to agree with smurfegirl. It is not your fault so stop blaming yourself and move on. Get help to do so. Have a good life because what we do have is pretty short. Enjoy your kids and your existing cooperative parenting is a credit to you. You have nothing to worry about except the kids and your well being. Blokes are strange creatures when it comes to relationships and expressing feelings and looking at an analysis of a relationship that is over is not something they care to do.

Sometimes there are things that you never get to the bottom of and this is probably one of them. One thing is for sure, your kids think you are the best mum in the world and that will never change! You can dissolve a relationship in minutes but parenting is insoluble and goes on forever.  :)

Executive Secretary - Shared Parenting Council of Australia
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