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14 year old daughter rang to say shes not comming home

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Hi there iam very new to this forum however have tried to find some information or my situation, but have found so many diffrent situations that i thought id put my story up.i was in a defacto relationship with my daughters mother for a short time, things turned for the worse and we seperated and she kept the child however due to neglect i applied for custody of her when she was 18 months old.the court awarded me custody and after several months i moved from nsw to qld to try and rebuild my life as there was not interest from my daughters mother at the time.My court orders had the provisions for me to do the move and i have been living here in qld for 13 years.i have  married and have another child with my wife.my "ex" has had visitation rights of  2 weeks in june/july and 3 weeks in december with a alternate christmas included (we would share the cost of flights) and also phone access once a week.

this situation has been holding up on and off for the past 13 years(we have had the odd problem of my daughter not wanting to go and visit but we have both always encouraged her to spend time with her mother even one time  my ex rang and said she hasnt got the money for a flight i offered to pay).

until now last saturday my daughter rings me and says dad im not coming home on the plane tomorrow ive made up my mind" i was in total shock and said ok.i didnt receive a phone call from her mother untill the monday afternoon she said " well i couldnt force her onto the plane could i?? i know ive broken the court orders but i had no choice". she said she was going to her solicitor to get new papers drawn up, but to date i still have heard nothing from her or my daughter.

Not sure what we should do next??????
It would be helpful to know what motivated your daughter to suddenly bond with her mother. Bonding is a good thing, but what provoked it? Maybe you should fly over and see what is keeping her there. She may be genuinely happy there, or she may be coerced into something she is not ready for.

She is 13, so the court will recognise her wishes if it comes to that. But trust me when i say teenage girls can be fickle…..
I think it's probably time to let her make her decisions but as BDouble says, perhaps check it out to make sure it is all Ok and even then there might be little you can do. At 13 I doubt the court will be interested as at 14 she can leave home and claim Centrelink.
Thanks for the advice i didnt mention that her grandmother is very influentional aswell (she applied for custody in the early stages after helping me to get initial custody when i moved away to qld) more so than her mother and has been always telling her "one day you can come live with me" etc.I remember she told me a long time ago that my daughter (her grand daughter) is her chance to make things right again (like a second chance after failing with her own daughter (my ex), so it has always been a uphill battle between her grandmother/mother and me, its been a long 14 years that has taken its toll along the way however i guess im lucky in a way that i have been able to watch her grow up and to make sure she has been looked after and safe for so long.but it still hurts me to think that the good times have come to a end and even though i shouldnt i find myself angry and upset at my daughters decsision, i can only hope she will be ok.we still have her 5 y old step brother to tell that she wont be coming home that is going to hurt as weve also just lost my grand father and he is having trouble understanding that while also starting his first year of schoool.ohh what a mess….

at this time im thinking that she is staying with her grandmother not her mother,but have had no further contact from anyone as yet.
If you are really woried, you can ask the local Police to do a welfare check, especially as you have not heard from her since the initial phone call.

"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure"
Hi all, i rang my daughter tonight to see what was going on and she is staying at her grand mothers house.i asked her about school and she told me that she and her mother are going to the sollictors tomorrow to get new orders drawn up.my question is if i dont agree to the new orders what will happen if i dont sign them?? as far as i understand i still have custody of her untill new orders are processed?? she said that she wants to stay there and couldnt give a decent answer of why she didnt want to return home.However her grandmother is living alone and she just had a operation so she did say she has been looking after her.id say that she has spent the majority of her visit with her grandmother and not with her mother.i asked her about what i should tell her 5 y old brother she replied "its not her problem".that blew me away
It sounds like you've done all you can. She is unfortunately at the age where her wishes can be recognised by the court. You may need to respect her wishes for now, but dont burn her bridges or cut her off. Tell her you'll all miss her and she is welcome to return home always.

Important though that you keep regular contact on the phone (once a week maybe) just so she knows you havent forgotten her. A trip over to see her in person for a short visit now and then may also strengthen the tie to your side of the family so that when it turns sour she has somewhere to go.

If you dont agree to the orders and you all have to attend court, there is the possibility that she will be granted permission to live with her mother. If you refuse her now, she may resent you for not respecting her wishes.

Sounds like some good advice thank you.i am and will find it hard to keep the door open at the moment I'm really hurt by what has happened is it wrong to feel like this?? I love my daughter but don't agree with her actions.sorry it's just how I feel.i guess I need to be strong for her if/when it comes apart.Thanks again for the advice and help
the above "guest post was from me dont know what happened.
It is frustrating that people keep treating these children like mini-adults. .. They aren't.

Most 13 year olds don't want to be at home at some point if you are doing a good job as a parent. You can be the worst person in the world, especially if you don't buy that outfit, or let her do "what everyone else is doing". It doesn't mean you just let them go.

If you have concerns you can apply for a breach of orders.  It is extremely concerning that your daughter has relayed to you that new orders are being sought. That means the court process is being discussed with her which is a no-no. Also whilst the court must consider her views, it doesn't have to accept them.

Recently two girls, I think 12 and 14 wanted to live with their Father after being brought up by Mum. The court said no. In that case it sounded fair enough based on what I read.

Maybe your daughter feels obliged to stay there to look after her grandmother. She wouldn't be the first girl to be conned by a guilt trip. Maybe she does just want to be there as she hasn't spent time growing up with her Mother, then good luck to her. Make arrangements to see her as regularly as you can and be supportive.

But it appears you don't really know. So my two cents is, go and see her face-to-face, arrange to have a private chat, go out to lunch or something, and ask her, away from her Mum and Grandmother, what is really happening for her.

The story may be the same, but it may also be very different. Just be sure to not get Mum offside, e.g. turning up unannounced on the doorstep could go badly. Tell her that you won't sign anything until you have that time with your daughter. Remember if you do sign and it is put through, it is very hard to undo.

Last edit: by Secretary SPCA

Lesley said
It is frustrating that people keep treating these children like mini-adults. They aren't. Most 13 year olds don't want to be at home at some point if you are doing a good job as a parent. You can be the worst person in the world, especially if you don't buy that outfit, or let her do "what everyone else is doing". It doesn't mean you just let them go.
If you have concerns you can apply for a breach of orders.  It is extremely concerning that your daughter has relayed to you that new orders are being sought. That means the court process is being discussed with her which is a no-no. Also whilst the court must consider her views, it doesn't have to accept them.
Recently two girls, I think 12 and 14 wanted to live with their Father after being brought up by Mum. The court said no. In that case it sounded fair enough based on what I read.
Maybe your daughter feels obliged to stay there to look after her grandmother. She wouldn't be the first girl to be conned by a guilt trip. Maybe she does just want to be there as she hasn't spent time growing up with her Mother, then good luck to her. Make arrangements to see her as regularly as you can and be supportive.
But it appears you don't really know. So my two cents is, go and see her face-to-face, arrange to have a private chat, go out to lunch or something, and ask her, away from her Mum and Grandmother, what is really happening for her.
The story may be the same, but it may also be very different. Just be sure to not get Mum offside, e.g. turning up unannounced on the doorstep could go badly. Tell her that you won't sign anything until you have that time with your daughter. Remember if you do sign and it is put through, it is very hard to undo.

 
Hear hear, bravo, encore, etc
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