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Shared Parental Responsibility

How do you deal with the big stuff

When you first break up, and the dust settles, you are both absorbed in adapting to your new lives as single parents.

Soon, though, you will come to a decision point where you have to invlove your ex-partner. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes not.

I have a pretty good system, by email with me ex, where we discuss the "big stuff". He's pretty good, in that he will listen to me (or I him) and
he (or I) can put our view across and usually find some middle ground. Sometimes, it's a happy agreement. Other times it's a case of, you can do it,
but I don't approve.

Now, my new partner and I are going to have to implement something similar with his ex partner. I'm apprehensive, given the level of conflict she can generate.

Does anyone have some tips or would like to share what works for them, or any pitfalls?

Junior Executive of SRL-Resources

Executive Member of SRL-Resources, the Family Law People on this site (Look for the Avatars). Be mindful what you post in public areas. 
Unfortunately Artemis sometimes there can be a lot of conflict.

I think the same rules apply to this situation as it does to bringing up a child.

Try not to engage her even when she is pushing.

Don't buy into her b*ll, she is probably just trying to provoke you.

Ignore as much as you can and always be pleasant.

Reward her with a cookie for good behaviour. Just kidding.
Your partner will have seen or you have explained how you have done things, I think you should leave it at that and let him deal with it in his way.

Yes your way works for your situation but he needs to find his middle ground dealing with his situation.

Someone once said to me " Why do I bother giving you advice you never do as I say " I replied " I do listen to what you say and appreciate your advice but I make my own mind up "

Simply put if I get things wrong then I get things wrong but there's no one to blame but me.

Let him work out best how he can manipulate to best advantage.

Manipulation can be used positively and may well be required in a conflicting situation.

Unfortunately you would have to seek mediation for orders to apply a decision through court if need be to incorporate into orders.

It may take time and effort to iron out wrinkles and to best develop parenting strategies.

Early on I communicated by written letter requesting a response as verbal communication usually ended with my X defending her actions and myself trying to mediate a solution to prevent this happening in the future thus things changed for a day or two then went back as before, as communication did start to develop I reverted back to verbal with the same response which initiated a communication book, this is useless if both parties to not utilize it but can be a source of record.

Now I Parallel Parent as my X thinks certain things that have were put into suggested orders are now part of our orders we both invite each other to these events such as doctors, school and others.

Lots of water under the bridge and lots of time gone by. But things go relatively smoothly.

        
Hi Monster: in high conflict families, communication books are not usually recommended. In our (new) situation we started out with one and the ex was unable to use it properly. It became a tool of manipulation. Long story short, spurious information put in and useful information, deliberately left out or misrepresented. The family consultant's advice is minimal communication.

My ex refuses to use a book and prefers email. Happy days for us.

If ex partner's cannot agree on big stuff, like pre-school then mediation is the go.

Depending on your orders, shared parental responsibility does not mean the other party has to accompany you to the doctor, but they should be informed of the problem, the treatment and be allowed to speak to the doctor.

Aphrodite: I like your advice, have as little as possible to do with the other as possible. I am trying, but get a knot in my tummy thinking about the regular contact :(

D4E: Sage advice. I should just leave my partner to it. Unfortunately the lovely man has not an ounce of guile in him. I see things for what they are very quickly - he takes everything at face value. He never sees the kick in the teeth coming. I do.

All good food for thought and I'm sure others are gaining from this.

Oneadadc give me hope: if his ex can gain some maturity, maybe ours will also…

Junior Executive of SRL-Resources

Executive Member of SRL-Resources, the Family Law People on this site (Look for the Avatars). Be mindful what you post in public areas. 

Who's Kidding

Aphrodite said
Unfortunately Artemis sometimes there can be a lot of conflict.

I think the same rules apply to this situation as it does to bringing up a child.

Try not to engage her even when she is pushing.

Don't buy into her b*ll, she is probably just trying to provoke you.

Ignore as much as you can and always be pleasant.

Reward her with a cookie for good behaviour. Just kidding.
Reward for positive behaviour works in almost every situation - the trick in Family Breakdown situations is to find the right cookie :lol: - The rest is just plain hard work - but the pay off is huge. :P

For me - Shared Parenting is a Reality - Maybe it can be for you too!
Thanks Oneadadc…

by the way, here is the "s" missing from my post.

Junior Executive of SRL-Resources

Executive Member of SRL-Resources, the Family Law People on this site (Look for the Avatars). Be mindful what you post in public areas. 
Artemis I have to agree in kind that one does take a few kicks in the teeth in hope that the other person becomes more aware of what is trying to be achieved and this may not happen, sometimes it can be more help to say enough is enough and stand your ground. Nothing against support or help just a great belief that getting to the point where it's you standing can help in more ways than one.

The best thing is he has you there to support him.

Although I did not intend to say leave him to it more the preference of good advice and discussion on his terms rather than implementing a similar strategy to yours because of the conflict middle ground can be well hard fought and won as you know.

Best of luck I'm sure the situation will diffuse quickly.
Artemis said
Aphrodite: I like your advice, have as little as possible to do with the other as possible. I am trying, but get a knot in my tummy thinking about the regular contact :(

D4E: Sage advice. I should just leave my partner to it. Unfortunately the lovely man has not an ounce of guile in him. I see things for what they are very quickly - he takes everything at face value. He never sees the kick in the teeth coming. I do.

All good food for thought and I'm sure others are gaining from this.

Oneadadc give me hope: if his ex can gain some maturity, maybe ours will also…
That knot is hard to ignore and it can eat away at you, I know I have been there too. Try to put it into focus.

Sometimes not seeing a person can create the biggest issues in your own mind and even confronting it head on can help and you might realise that she is more scared of you than her.

Sometimes just seizing control yourself can be empowering. It's hard I know.
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