Donate Child Support Calculator
Skip navigation

Fair Judgement

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!,"

When you are swimming down a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a Moray.
A man stood before the judge for sentencing. The crime, burglary, the man had apparently thrown a brick through the window and then taken the jewelery.

The Judge asked him if he wanted to comment. His lawyer stood up and said "Your Honour, my client wishes to stress that it was the arm not the person that stole the jewels.

The Judge considered this and in response and with a smirk replied, "I have considered what you have said, I will therefore sentence your arm to a term of 6 months imprisonment"

The man duly removed his prosthetic arm and walked out of the court.

(I'm pretty sure something like this actually happened a few years ago.)
That would NOT surprise me! It's a bit like my nephew the other day after a sookfest telling me it wasn't him - it was his brain!!!

I wonder if he had another arm at home and if he was allowed to use it? hehe

When you are swimming down a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a Moray.
Humour in the courtroom is not always evident.
Checking to see if laywers have humour might be similar to seeing if they are dead?

For three years, the young laywer had been taking his brief holidays around Cairns. The last time there he'd finally managed to lie with the owner's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his bags to the cabin he always reserved, then he stopped short. There sat his lover with a baby on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he bleated. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we all sat up all night, talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a illegitimate child in the family than a  family lawyer."

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.

The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"

The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.

In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered…

It had to happen sooner or later. Dobbins a barrister was wheeled into the emergency room of a hospital on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doctor, Doctor, My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doctor. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Dobbins SC: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'
Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins SC: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins SC: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "

"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Mr Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady came in the other day limping …"
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Mr Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."

"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the court orders saw everything in my office seized. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."

"You know, Mr Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Mr Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones.
Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "

"Okay, Doctor, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."

"Don't check me out, just give the dope."

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"

"What for?"

"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."

"I'm not going to sue you."

"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way back through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The gravestone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

What is done for you, let it be done, what you must do, be sure you do it, as the wise person does today that what the fool will do in three days - Buddha
I am not certain whether the site will continue to allow posting lawyer jokes.

In most Australian states it is quite a serious offence to make humorous remarks about an intellectually challenged group.

Executive Member of SRL-Resources, the Family Law People on this site (look for the Avatars) Be mindful what you post in public areas. 
Touche Mr Agog - nearly fell off my chair laughing.

Actually my favourite ones aren't jokes but things actually said in the court room.

When you are swimming down a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a Moray.

From the Bench

The problem is obvious. you 2 can't communicate! - You have 3 children! - how did that happen?


For me - Shared Parenting is a Reality - Maybe it can be for you too!
Apologies to any lawyers without a sense of humour

  • Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
  • Witness: "By death."
  • Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

  • Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  • Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  • Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  • Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

  • Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

  • Lawyer: "What happened then?"
  • Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
  • Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

  • Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
  • Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."


When you are swimming down a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a Moray.

Proof that men have better friends

Proof that men have better friends—-

Woman didn't come home one night.
Next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friends' house. Husband calls her ten best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Man didn't come home one night.
Next morning he says he slept over at a friends house. Wife calls his ten best friends. Eight confirm that he slept over, and two said he was still there.
Guest said
 Husband calls her ten best friends.

Hah! Everyone knows women only have to "besties" :p

When you are swimming down a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a Moray.

A distressed witness

Witness under cross examination (very polite X exam it was too) looks very distressed and turns to the judge

"I feel like I am being judged"

Judge, in an extremely dry and firm voice

"You are!"

For me - Shared Parenting is a Reality - Maybe it can be for you too!
I know I shouldn't laugh at this because I say and do sooo many dumb things myself but OMG paragraph 2 - Reasons for Judgement (found in my perusals of the FCoA Judgements) had me in fits of laughter for sooo long that I'm sure the Judge would have gone home with a good story that day :)

Copied and Pasted from the Family Court website…
1. In this matter the husband has filed an application dated DD Month 2009 for the
purpose of an order that an affidavit made by the maternal grandfather be
determined to be inadmissible pursuant to subsection 165(1) of the Evidence
2. This application has no chance of success because section 165 of the Evidence
Act relates to trials by jury and, in addition to that, relates to the determination
of admissibility by the judge who is hearing the trial. The application before me
is not a part of a trial by jury and I have not been allocated this matter for final
hearing. I do not know whether or not I will be the judge who hears the matter
ultimately. In fact, it seems to me that Mr Surname is of the view that the
matter will be heard by a judicial registrar, rather than a judge, in any event. 

Last edit: by Artemis

"Never, "for the sake of peace and quiet," deny your own experience or convictions". Dag Hammarskjold
I needed help with my case and couldn't afford a lawyer and found these guys invaluable
My ex asked for final orders to be made at every final hearing, without any testing of evidence.
Despite being told each time by the FM that the FM could not do that unless we consented.

Junior Executive of SRL-Resources

Executive Member of SRL-Resources, the Family Law People on this site (Look for the Avatars). Be mindful what you post in public areas. 
1 guest and 0 members have just viewed this.

Recent Tweets