Donate Child Support Calculator
Skip navigation

To tell or NOT to tell?... If YES what amount is child appropriate?

Add Topic

Do I disclose any information to my 13 yr old if not doing so is potentially psychologically damaging?

    Hi everyone, Does anyone have some advise on the following situation?

              I have just heard my application to file a form 4 has been accepted and I have a date for a Proceedural  Hearing in 6 weeks(There was an order in place saying " Any interlocutory or interim applications are directed to a registrar in chambers for consideration of setting a hearing date for those applications.)So it could not be filed until the Registrar had looked over it.

             The issues are:

              *The children witnessing domestic violence, on one occasion my 13 yr old was so scared he had to take the children out of the residence and down the street so his siblings were not hurt.

              *The other issue is my ex has been trying to control the situation by denying it happened and using threats and intimidation and emotional blackmail to scare the children into keeping their mouths shut. He has told them it is their fault there  is all the F/V ,if you didnt tell your mother or the family consultant what is happening then we wouldn't argue.

            My 13yr old has taken this on board and says it is his fault,he is refusing to talk to a psychologist because "look at all the trouble that happened last time I opened my mouth" He has trust issues as he has said everything he told the F/C was told to his dad,even though he said he told her he didnt want his dad finding out as he was scared he would get in trouble (he says his dad sat him down with the Family Report and accused him of lying or tried to justify his actions or  said  'your opinion on things was wrong').

         His stepmother was crying and begging the children not to tell me or anyone about F/V on their last visit ,as their father would get in SO much trouble! Please,please PLEASE dont tell ,she allegedly begged them.

           So my son has trust issues which is why in the Form 4 I did leave some information out ,as my son had disclosed certain information  only after saying " promise you wont tell anyone". Example of what he told me; his father held a metal egg flipper to his throat and said if you f***en talk to me like that again I will hit you with this.

            I concluded it was more important to not destroy the trust he has in me as I think the consequences would be not good ,as he says I am the only person he can talk to, so even though what he told me would have added weight to my application I didnt add the information.

          My son is worried has expressed to me and doesnt want to go back to spend time with his dad as he feels he will get in trouble for what he told me about the recent events.( But then he changes his mind and says maybe he does want to go) .

         I anticipate my ex is going to flip out when he hears I am finally going to take action to stop all the behaviours he has for so many years gone unaccountable for. The Form 4 is not going to go down well !!!

         If my son is getting so much pressure not to tell when so far I only send letters via his solicitor asking him to stop said behaviour, imagine what will happen when his father learns of this!!

         SO.. My question is should I tell my son in basic detail what is happening? Maybe :"I have filed information with the court about all the fighting to try and stop it happening" ?

         I feel it is highly likely, due to past behaviour ,my ex will probably confront him about the information and there will be further psychological damage done if he gets threatened or begged not to disclose any more information or blamed again. So  do I give him the basic information or risk him not being prepared for the father confronting him?

         Would it be more damaging for me to discuss this 'adult issue ' with him about court matters ? (I never usually do ), or would it be more damaging that potentially ,( if he is confronted by the father) I could damage the trust he has with me because I didnt give him the' heads up' on the situation?

        I think if I told my son about the court action he probably would refuse to go through fear of reprisal, but at least he would have the information to make an informed decision?

        I dont want to make a mistake in this situation so advise and other peoples view points would be carefully considered as I try to find the best way to deal with this situation,

I would be inclined NOT to talk with your son about it if at all possible. However, I would inform the police as to what you missed out and why. They know how the dynamics of this type of  situation works.

I take it that you have contacted the police, if not do so - NOW.

Executive Member of SRL-Resources, the Family Law People on the site (Look for the Avatars).   Be mindful what you post in the public areas. 
1 guest and 0 members have just viewed this.

Recent Tweets