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The Aftermath

What happens to the children later on?

I do hope I am putting this in the right place!

Having recently gone almost through the Family Court Process (Court orders signed prior to hearing) I would really like to hear from other parents who have also completed orders. And maybe some one who has been working with those orders for a while. How DO children feel when they reach 16 or 18? Are they able to see the 'other parents' point of view? My partners situation is still very upsetting for him and very raw in his memory. Dad didn't get he one thing he really really wanted and that was for his son to have his voice heard. Instead there were reports and affidavits from the mother filled with blatant lies which meant that again his wishes weren't heard. (sorry even a blind, deaf duck would be able to see the lies! apologies to Blind, Deaf Ducks!)

 I find the whole situation so disheartening which is probably why at 0130 I am writing on this forum instead of sleeping. I cannot get over what I perceive as a failure of the legal system. That is all I can see, I can't see beyond the perpetuation of lies. The manipulation of a system to the detriment of a really great dad and a lovely little boy.

Are there any other parents out there who have been through a similar situation to our and what happens to the kids in the end? Do they understand? Do they get angry? Do they self destruct? WHAT??? I have serious concerns for the boy NOW - as does his dad - but our worries weren't heard - weren't even acknowledged. What happens when the Boy becomes a teenager then a man - then  a father - will history repeat itself? Will his view of a 'normal' parent be slewed by the beliefs of a mother that will argue that "babies are lighter when they are asleep!" (I'm not kidding people!) and that "Children do NOT need fathers" (Yelled that gem at a judge once!)  I try to set the best example I can for him as a responsible step parent, a mum, a loving supporting Partner / Wife (when he finally asks me!:wub: ) and a productive working woman in society. But I just feel that anything positive I do is undermined and degraded by both the Mother and her now husband. The Boys Dad is a wonderful role model - he cooks, cleans, works HARD all this despite a physical disability - he doesn't himself as having a disability, he says he is just 'differently-able'. Oddly I don't see it sometimes as well, Yet the mother is constantly referring to the boys fathers disability in very negative terms. "Mum said I'm NOT allowed to go in the car when your driving dad because you have one arm" (Ahh excuse me but he does have his FULL licence, obtained AFTER the accident ???)

Will the the boy someday see that his dad really tried? I know just how far dad has been pushed and one more push from her will push him away.
Do not let him give up as I believe that most kids grow up and look around and make decisions for themselves. Make the time quality even if there is not quanity. Dads do count even if the legal system forgets this all the time.
Thanks Kalimnadancer - we both need encouragement. We do try and make the time quality and have a semblance of a routine which we try to follow. This can be hard at times but we try. It is ALWAYS in the back of our minds though just how fragile the situation is - and we are constantly vigilant to the next "episode." The next attack from the mother. There will be one - just a matter of when and how - and NOW knowing what we know NOT reacting. I believe that 90% of court battles are emotion, as are 90% of arguments - take out that factor and a simple business arrangement can exist. In the Utopia World of Separated Families that is!! We - and especially me, because this is so alien to me - have to constantly repeat the mantra - " it is NOT about that Fat B(*&ch (Sorry!) It IS about the child!!!" Focus on the Kids!!! Holy Hell it is hard though.
Dirkepitt how old is the son you are talking about?

What do you mean about the child being lighter when asleep?  Was the child losing weight?  Are there wellbeing concerns while in the mothers care?

I know you said the father and mother went into consent orders but was the biggest argument of the mother to do with the father's incapacity to care for the child because of the disability?  You mention your husband has one arm.  I had a friend many years ago whose father was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer.  I realise you have said for your husband had an accident.  In any event he needed to have one of his arms removed.  Now this father (whom was an amazing individual) was able to drive and do everything the same as he'd done before his arm was removed.  For him given he was such an active man and very much hands on, when he found out his arm needed to be removed went on to "make things" that would assist him to still be self sufficient e.g. things as simple as special chopping boards to prevent the bread from slipping so he could still make his own sandwiches etc  In his car he had a special "knob" attached to the steering wheel so he could steer safely and his gear box (auto) was moved to the window side of the car (the side of his remaining arm).  Not one of his family members, nor I, were ever afraid to drive with him. 

Now I know that doesn't help your husbands situation with his child but if as you say the mother is relentless in her approach and nitpicks, I would suggest that (if there is a next time) as well as keeping a diary you have enough ammunition to throw back showing that disability or not, the abilities of your husband have no impact on his ability to parent.

And for now (easier said than done) try not to let all of the craziness that comes with Court make you into a negative person :)

Take care!!    

"Never, "for the sake of peace and quiet," deny your own experience or convictions". Dag Hammarskjold
I needed help with my case and couldn't afford a lawyer and found these guys invaluable  srl-resources.org
Thanks Crazyworld - The Boy is almost 12. Whilst his physical well being is fine - it's his psychological well being we are most concerned about. Just little things like his inability to express himself and give any form of explanation about his feelings. As for the "babies are lighter when they sleep" The mother has bizarre opinions and NO amount of scientific even rational explanation can convince her that there is an alternate point of view or that what she sees as fact is a complete myth! My Partner has been dealing with her incomprehensible behaviour since before the boy was born - I find it amusing (NOW) and thankfully when I get asked the question from the boy - "Mum says salt makes you fat not fatty foods - is this true?" I can answer honestly and to the best of my knowledge. The boy hopefully does know that his father & I aren't talking out of our tooshes (behinds) and that contrary to what his mother has told him we are both educated, rational people with a very broad healthy view of society.
Yes, hubby only has one arm - the right. He lost the use of his left arm a few weeks before the boy was born. He has taken the approach that he will adapt to the world not the world to him. His only piece of modified equipment is the two spikes on the chopping board. Although of late he is looking at MY motorbike & wanting to modify it - I don't have an issue with this as long as he puts it back the same way when he's done ;-) His sons have only ever known him with one arm and don't see it as a loss or a disability at all. Funnily enough Son no 2 Has taken to eating his dinner one handed - like dad - unfortunately he doesn't possess the style and grace of dad at the table - so I am hoping that 2 handed eating with knife AND fork will become the norm for him.
You are so right about the court process changing you and the overwhelming potential to progress to negativity - when the court system fails to acknowledge the importance of Dads & Male role models for children it is disheartening. But here's hoping that with more people and ESPECIALLY more Mothers recognising that WITHOUT men they would NOT be a mother in the first place, then the world just might be a better place.
kalimnadancer said
Dads do count even if the legal system forgets this all the time.
Wrong, they forget it some of the time.
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