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Not sure what the laws are here

Some experiences with Dids and comments about Dids and other groups

Thanks, Tony.
Because I was a de facto, and there were no children involved, I contacted DiDS and a couple of other agencies (MRA and others), but there was no help for me.
I was lucky beyond any reasonable expectation to suddenly find a group of strangers, literally, who believed in me from a (now defunct) community group for those who were dealing with a life-changing injury, neighbors who could see what was happening, and a few men who had been similarly dispossessed unjustly within a few blocks of me. Honestly, it was astounding.
One thing I would like to get into the discussion is that de facto relationships are affected, too. It has been estimated by ABS that 40% of all marriages begin as de facto. That's a 1-2 million people; 10% of the whole population. Men and women need the same sort of male-oriented consultations and support as married people.
Most of the people who stepped forward to believe in me could not begin to understand what I was going through. They had no time because they had their own lives.
I found that I could write out what was happening to me, and it helped. I joined a couple of online groups and poured my heart out. I set up a couple of blogs and just told the story. One blog was essentially my diary of abuse. Printed out, it was over 50 pages. I could have put another 50 pages into it easily. Two years of abuse gives a person a lot to talk about.
And there was more every day as I struggled to come to what level of health I have.

There is no mental health system in Australia. I do not understand why the Mens' and Family Rights movement does not take up this cause. It is directly tied to the number of male suicides, not only separated adults but teenager boys, too.
The FRCs and Relationships Australia are staffed almost exclusively by women. No matter how well trained a woman is, she cannot share or understand the feelings and drives a man has during a breakup. And there is little room for experimenting; the idea of OJT is ridiculous and dangerous.
A man will feel willing to discuss his feelings with another man. He will always put on a front for a woman that cannot be penetrated.
In my opinion, the FRCs - at least - should be required to have at least 50% male staffing.

There may be a place for agencies with one sexist perspective or the other, too. That may be too blunt to say, but it is true.
What is amazing is that no one has sued against the  discrimination which exists presently.

AG Ruddock has promised that all professionals involved - lawyers, magistrates, police, and clerks - will be trained before being allowed to practice in family law.
I'd suggest one year of family development at the university level; then two years at the clinical level. These people need to see the realities of human nature face to face. And how human nature must be handled in the administration of the law. More than anything else, every one of them needs to clearly understand the concept of equality before the law. - And that the quickest way to lose their right to practice or be involved at any level is to lose that attitude of equality before the law.

There must be a ready and active oversight structure that quickly removes those who are only seeking to increase conflict (most obviously solicitors and barristers), and those who do not treat both parties with respect equally before the law.
Until this sort of structure exists, the damage will continue to affect families and the future of this country.


Last edit: by OneRingRules

I have met Tony in person, but  yet did not thank him in person for starting DIDs. As a dad going through and enduring the whole torture process from the mother of my children, I have only seen my two girls once till today, I am thankfull that I found DIDs early on in my seperation. I would say that if it wasn't for DIDs, i most likely would not be here.

As a result from my interaction with DIDs, I am now a facilitaor for a DIDs group. I have used Chrystal's story with many guys who have not yet accpet the feelings that come with being in this situation. I use the story to remind them that they need to fight for the children as they need to see that both parents care, regardless of what the other parent may be saying. There only needs to be one Chrystal.

Thanks Tony for starting DIDs. one day I might be able to say it to you in person. There are lot of stories out there, and they need to be shared with the masses so, the dads who are lost may find a compass, and the people that know someone who is in this situation can release how bad things are for some of us.



When I needed :( help Dads In Distress was there for me:thumbs:.

Now I am there as a facilitator for other Dads In Distress.


Homework is essential. The concept is to find out as much as you can about the organisation, it's people and it practices. This applies to FRCs, FCA, FMC, CSA and anyone or thing else you may encounter.

It continues to amzes me that people put less personal effort into researching Family Law and associted matters when their family breaks down than they would put into buying a house. Amazing because the time span of the likely effects on their personal wellness is similar. Yet while their are legal remedies for a shody house purchase. A flawed outcome in family matters may be effectively permenant.

I read all the documents I could find on the establishemnt of the FRCs. I read any information I could find on Mediation. I visited some community centres and picked up the pamphlets (generally and/or specifically aimed at women) that explained what preparations to make if planning to leave the relationship. Pamphlets on how to apply for an AVO or Restrainuing Order and what wording to use. Pamphlets on making a report about abuse and what to say.

I read all the information the Family Court was so gracious to post out at my request. I explored their web site. I read the Family Law act. (I didn't understand it all, but some basics stood out on that first reading). I read the Family Court Rules (see comment about Act). The Family Law act lead me to the Australian Institute for Family Studies. Two and Two made FOUR. The AIFS was set up under the original family law act. It was certainly top advise government. It probably had a huge influence on Judicial Decisions in the Family Court. So I read all their studies that I could find.

I spoke to people at contact centres. I asked advice of the Local Chamber Magistrate (NSW, Lawyer based at local court registries that will give advice and assistance preparing documents). I contacted the local community leagal centre. I spoke to the law  access phone lie. I spoke to a couple of family law solicitors. I read a few judgements. I did Google searches on Bryant, Nicholson, Matt Miller and many many more. I read their who's who entries. I read any speaches I could find.. (By the way, I didn't have access to the net at home then. I used a library computer at $3/hr.

Why did I do all this? Because what I had been told at first did not make any sense at all. And as I had always intended to be a fully involved parent, I veiwed my research as part of my parenting. The 40 or 50 hours a week that I should have been spending with my family went into reseaching how to get to spend that time with my family.

Some of the resources I have mentioned are not available every where. Most are internet based though, so access is possible from almost every where.

The bottom Line is "IT IS YOUR LIFE"

For me - Shared Parenting is a Reality - Maybe it can be for you too!
Turned Away By DiDs?

Amoranthus said
Oh, BTW. When I was going through all of this, I called DiDS. There was no local group in those days. DiDS turned me away because I was in a de facto relationship and none of my own children were involved.
Which is correct … There was not a DiDs group in your area or they turned you away because your children were not immediately involved?

I have never heard of anybody being turned away from a DiDs group because their children were not directly involved.

I can understand that DiDs may not have been willing to talk to you over the phone for an extended period. Funding the 1300 number is a very significant part of the DiDs national budget. When somebody calls DiDs on the 1300 number, the caller will only pay for a local call if made from a land line. DiDs pays the STD charges. It costs DiDs tens of thousands of dollars annually.

DiDs does not set conditions such as court cases involving children, the fact that you are a father and are in distress is enough to qualify for attendance at a group. I even doubt they insist on parenthood. The fact that there is no group close to you is a different issue.

DiDs now have a web forum to provide support.

Reference source: DiDs Web forum

Remembering always that the goal of DiDs is to support you as you work through your distress and then move on.

Last edit: by OneRingRules

I have to agree with Conan

AS a person very familiar with the work of DiDs, I find it very surprising you were refused support at a group on the grounds you suggest.

I also know for a fact that Dids HQ tries to limit the length of phone calls because of the cost.


Last edit: by OneRingRules

For me - Shared Parenting is a Reality - Maybe it can be for you too!

Listening, caring and sharing

My experience of Tony's dids program is that it is about Listening, caring and sharing.  Dids have a forum at:

I also found an appropriate article at:

Listen to Me

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that my seem.
Listen! All I asked, was that you listen… Not talk or do - just hear me.

Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper, all I can do for myself; I'm not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people because God is mute, and he doesn't give advice or try to fix things. "they" just listen and let you work it out for yourself.

So please listen and just hear me, and, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I'll listen to you.


Last edit: by OneRingRules


Just after i put the cut down rifle barrel to my head and was stopped by my ex I had myself checked  out by a mental health worker to see if i was going mad and was told it was normal under the circumstances, i then went to a Dids meeting and was glad to see others in the same situation if not worse. Dids changed the way i thought about what was going on and made others realize they are not alone in their thinking and thoughts. If it wasn't for Dids i would of been chasing my tail for a lot longer and not getting on with the job of the legal issues relating to my kids

If you don't talk about it, how can anyone help you move forward!
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